Don't Settle for the Snake Oil

I heard a story the other day apparently from the book The Prayer of Jabez, part 2 (don't know the official title). Anyway, the paraphrased version is something like this: a married pastor sees a pretty girl at the airport and decides it's best if he avoids her. While trying various methods to avoid this beautiful woman, she repeatedly seems to "push" herself on him. He finally wears down and begins to walk up to a hotel room with this woman. As he opens the door, he remembers a "convenant handshake" he had given to an accountability group of some sort to remain morally pure. He finds the courage and strength to tell this woman to leave and he locks himself in his room the rest of the night.

Many things were going through my head as this story was told. It sounded as if this man was somehow being preyed upon by this woman and he was doing everything he could to avoid her and yet she was just to powerful. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but let's just say he really was being preyed upon. To me, the point isn't so much that he had this "convenant handshake" to remind him to stay pure - as it seemed to be presented. There's nothing wrong with something like this, but I think something is missing from the story if you rely on a mystical handshake to stay pure. I think it's important to go deeper than that. Like, what was it about his character and his heart that made him have to avoid the woman? Too many times I've relied on the mystical handshake to protect me from the "devil"... and too many times I've found myself wondering why the handshake didn't work. Lately, I've come to realize there's some pretty ugly stuff in my heart - more than I am and have ever been aware. And no matter how sacred I may intend this handshake to be, it doesn't touch the darkness in my heart. That sounds bad, and at times it is. But it's also good. It's good when I bring it honestly before God. It's good when I can admit to God that my own desires and plans are more important than God's deisres and plans for me. It's also good when I can honestly tell God I want Him to change my heart...because I don't know how. There are no instant cures to a heart condition. It's a long, hard, arduous journey...at least it is for me.

I Drive the General Lee

We have an intersection here that is more like a large bump in the road. It's a pretty busy intersection, so it's rare to pass through without having to slow down or stop. On the rare occassion I get to pass through without interference, my silver SUV becomes the General Lee...I fly through the intersection....a Dixieland horn trumpets...I wave my left hand out the window and I shout YAAAAHOOOO!!!!! in a most impressive Southern accent. For a moment...I'm a lawless rebel!!! It's the only time Bo and Luke ever come to mind...except when I get the urge to say Roscoe Pecoe Train over and over. I just think it sounds funny.

Injustice in Columbia

I am truly despondent right now.  I was just talking with a Compassion Representative who informed me that the project where our child is located is closing.  We have sponsered Johnis for the last 10 years and in my mind I was dedicated to see him through.  I had hopes of even helping sponsor higher education for him.  I can't tell you how sad I am.  What makes this story so sad is that Compassion tells me that it is very rare and with much despair that they choose to close a project.  They have church partnerships through which they funnel the money to the communities and the families.  The local churches are accountable for the funds that come to them.  Because Johnis' church has lacked leadership and accountability for many months and because the church has had high turnover, Compassion decided to close the program.  The representative was basically implying the leadership in Johnis' community (Columbia)could not be trusted by Compassion and probably wasn't trusted by the community either.  The rep said since Compassion sets up projects in impoverished places and then funnels money to communities, the temptation to abuse the funds is present so it's vital that they have trusted church partnerships.  In order to maintain integrity for Compassion International and their sponsors, they take a tough love stance which means they sometimes close projects.

What I am sick about in all of this is that the children are the ones who suffer. I totally understand and support Compassion's decision. I am sitting here wondering what Johnis and the other children in his community are going through. I am wondering what the families are going through. A program that brought hope and education and opportunity to their community is leaving. Who will help them? How do you help them? Are they Ok? Are they as disappointed as I am? Will Johnis be OK?

I am crying. I am sad. Is God going to take care of Johnis and his community? Will they be ok (as I define Ok)? What do I do? My feelings want to doubt God, but at the same time, I believe that I can trust Him. I believe that he has a purpose and a plan and that I don't have to understand it...

I can send a final letter and a final monetary gift. What do I say?

Developing Thoughts on Truth

The other day I heard an interview with Barbara Brown on NPR's Fresh Air. At one point she said something to the effect of, "There are so many different views and experiences with religion, for anyone to claim that they know truth, that truth is absolute is not possible". Maybe I'm a little uninformed or slow, but that was the first time I have ever heard anyone publicly, actually say there is no such thing as absolute truth. I stopped breathing for a moment when I heard her say it. It was even a moment where I wondered if I actually heard what I thought I did.

Here are my thought processes about her statements:

This statement seems contradictory to me. Isn't she claiming an absolute truth by saying absolute truth is not possible? The problem is defining what is truth and what is absolute truth. Is truth facts or is truth a person.

What do I believe about absolute truth? As a Christian, I believe absolute truth exists, I believe that absolute truth is Jesus.

Do I think that I know truth?
No one knows Truth...because we are not Truth. The best we can do is establish a growing relationship with the one who is Truth...hoping to learn and grow in the knowledge of Truth. We don't know Truth as a set of facts, we know Truth as a person and so we are learning Truth through a relationship.

10 Years!!!

Tom and I celebrate 10 years of marriage today!!! That's a long time!!! We have a friend who often says, "nothing worthwhile is ever easy." While there are times it's not easy, the work is worth it. We have the opportunity to help and observe each other grow. We can see the work God's growing process has done in each of our lives; we have first hand experience with one another.

Well, as I'm trying to type something meaningful, my beautiful 2 1/2 year old daughter is running around stark naked and Lucy Boy has jumped up in my lap and decided that right now is the moment she needs attention.

Anyway, 10 years is a long time!

Let me be... (me)

I believe that Truth is Truth. I also believe that Truth is a person. So, Truth may come in many different ways or from different places, but the source never changes - whether we acknowledge the source or not. I acknowledge the source as the Triune God, God the Father, God the Son (Jesus) and God the Holy Spirit.

As one believer to another it's so easy to play the "I have answers" role and so much more difficult to play the "God has given you the Spirit of Truth, His Spirit - you use it", or the "listening" role, or the "asking questions to help clarify" role. It's even harder to step back and allow one another to make our own decisions, whether we agree with the decisions we make or not. Not only that, but then we watch and see the consequences of our decisions unfold (good or bad). At what point, or is there ever a point, where one advises? Maybe part of this dilemma is discernment? Not the kind of "discernment" that approaches things as though there is only good or bad and God has imparted me with the knowledge for you of what is good and bad. But the kind of discernment that, with humility, recognizes we don't have answers. It's often not clearly black and white and so we must not be afraid to discuss, to dialog to converse with one another and trust God's timing and plan, without an understanding. It's in this place that God is clearly God and we clearly are not; it's finding humility in our limitations, letting go of control, trusting God knows what is best for us and we do not - although we want to and although we often think we do; after all, that is our nature.

Take 2

The problem I have with blogging is that I often use it like a journal and so I’m constantly shaping and changing and adjusting what I think, the same as many other bloggers. I sometimes avoid reading my past blogs because I know I’ve probably changed my point of view on some things and would now disagree with what I’ve written in the past. Then, I feel embarrassed because I shared an intimate thought with the blogging world, and now I don’t even agree with it…but no one else knows that, only I do. This is the dilemma of a people pleasing blogger. I also get excited about what I’m thinking about and just start typing. The problem is that what makes sense to me at that moment later reads like a jumbled mess of thoughts. So, here is take two of Who is my god, not God , an attempt to clarify a previously jumbled mess:

Is it ever OK to lie? Is it ever good to lie? I was asking myself this question while reading about Rahab the other day. It surprised me because I live by the standard that “honesty is the best policy”. I was confused because Rahab’s story (see Joshua 2) is about how she hid the Israelite spies and then lied about it and betrayed her country… and yet she is found faithful in Heb. 11. Not only that, she is a part of Jesus' genealogy. What is her significance? What made her faithful enough (if there is such a thing) to be listed among Abraham and Isaac and Moses?

Here is my conclusion: I believe she was found faithful not because she lied, but in spite of her lying. She decided to lie because she believed that there was only one God, and that God was the God of the Israelites. He was the Sovereign, Most High God and so her life and actions and decisions were based on that belief. Dan Allender said at a conference once that each of us live with about 5 core beliefs. He said these beliefs are often tacit, but that we often hold these beliefs truer than God. I'm beginning to think that since our beliefs are what drive our behavior, our beliefs are our god (not to be confused with God). So, part of the journey is asking ourselves what beliefs we hold truer than God. This is scary. If we ask, we might find out. If we find out, we might have to make changes, we might have to confront ourselves.

And another thought: I’m not so sure there was anything extraordinarily significant about Rahab…she was one of us…that’s the point, too.

It's the Prayer, not the Panties!!!

(Title of my future book.)

What little I know of the situation, I think Israel is a little over kill.

It's August!

I just noticed that I haven't blogged anything for August yet so here it is.

Can someone please explain the Flaming Lips...they frighten me!

Still not omnipotent

It's always good to learn you're okay with eminent death. We had a not so intense thunder storm yesterday, just a little rain and wind and thunder. My daughter was taking a nap in her room and I was reading. At one point, I heard these strange rumblings that kept building on top of each other, it sounded like a series of explosions. We also live in a military town with several military bases nearby. It's not unusual to hear them testing bombs and such or having exercises and so hear moaning guns (my technical term) firing and such. Nearly every day C-130's or jets fly overhead. Sometimes, these C-130's fly low enough they sound as if they are about to crash into the house, and on occasion, we hear sonic booms from the jets. I can only remember 3 such sonic booms and every time I hear them I expect to see a mushroom cloud and a storm of fire and debris and heat rushing to consume me at any moment. You know, like those scenes from the movies where people are turned to ash in a moment. Anyway, I heard these strange rumblings and this was my thought process:
--Rumbling--:
"Is that thunder? I've never heard it sound like that before. It sounds really strange. Is it the base? It doesn't sound like the base and they don't usually explode things when it's raining. Hmmm, what is it?
--More rumbling--
Hmm, I wonder if the North Koreans have finally launched something and it actually hit us? Well, nothing I can do about it. If I die, I die.

Of all the times I worry about life, my husband and daughter...why is it that in a moment of thinking this could be the end of my life, I simply say, "oh, well, not much I can do about it." Why is it only in these extreme moments is it so easy for me to recognize my limitations and accept that something bigger than me is in control?

Don't ever let her cut your hair...

Last week while my husband was on a youth trip, I had the task of taking Lucy boy, (as she is known by our toddler) our silky terrier rescue from the pound, to her annual vet appointment, which is not typically a big deal, but just days earlier she had been groomed. I wasn't entirely satisfied with how the professional groomers had cut her, so I thought I could try to just clean things up a bit. It started out innocent, just trimming her beard and the hair above her eyes. Then, the scissors went wild, they just kept snipping and snipping until, well, as my husband puts it, our cute terrier ended up with a doggie mullet. Her muzzle and forehead were nearly shaved. My husband came home from work that afternoon and looked at me and asked what happened to her. He said he walked in the door speaking to her as always and when she looked up at him all he could do was grimace in horror. The next day, she was scheduled for her vet appointment. I wanted to cancel it, but then I decided if they commented about her hair, I would blame my husband since he wouldn't be there and couldn't defend himself. The appointment seemed to be going smoothly until the vet, who looked incredibly young, asked Lucy boy, "who cut your hair?" Ashamed at my handiwork and ashamed to blame my innocent husband, I confessed it was me. She laughed (which I was slightly offended) and said, "good, I thought maybe she was being shaved and moved or jerked and the groomer did a poor job of fixing it. I wasn't gonna reccommend that groomer to anyone." Then she glanced at my daughter laughing and said, "don't ever let mom cut your hair." Then, it got worse, the assistant came in the room and asked the same question to Lucy, to which the vet said, "it was someone in this room and it wasn't me and they are over the age of five." The assistant laughed and said, "oh, I thought your daughter might have gotten a hold of scissors." I'm glad that day is over...

Summer Camp

Tom just got back from the second of three youth camps scheduled this summer. I stayed home with our little toddler of joy. I was so encouraged and impressed by the things the adult leaders and youth were saying when they got back. The adults and youth had a chance to share with the congregation last night about the meaningful experiences they had on the trip. It was exciting to hear adults praising and encouraging the youth. They thought the youth were considerate, models of servants and just a great group all around. They were not complainers or whiners or lazy, they were willing to take on uncomfortable challenges and situations and make the best of them. The adults noticed this. How awesome is that!? It seems to me that youth typically don't get credit for who they are or who they can be, so it was awesome to hear adults really notice the best of these youth! The youth shared how they were stretched to do things that were uncomfortable for them and that they were glad they did. They shared about how much they enjoyed being able to serve others and learning what it means to truly love others and build unity. This is my paraphrase, but I'm not exaggerating! On this eight day trip, they cleared land (poison ivy and all) for a future children's home, painted, cleaned and made repairs to a shelter for mentally ill/handicap elderly homeless people (run by Ms. Vera, an elderly woman herself) as well as spent time playing Bingo and talking to the people at the shelter. It was a stretch for many of them, but they were up to the challenge! I am truly proud of them and grateful for their giving hearts...I was challenged to grow listening to their stories.

I also have to mention that I am proud and grateful for my husband's dedication. He has worked with this group for almost ten years, he has grown with them and it's neat to see how time and energy and self sacrafice and the grace of God grows others. The congregation thanked Tom, which is always a little awkward and uncomfortable, but it was also nice to know they notice not just his committment and efforts, but his committment and efforts only possible by the work of the Spirit in him, so it's a thanks to God.

"Religion is about dogma, beliefs. Faith is about experience. With religion, it's all settled. With faith, it's an adventure. You remain open to the spirit, to revelation wherever you find it." --Bill Moyers in an article about his new series, "Bill Moyers on Faith and Reason"

The Parent Conspiracy

Us Stewart women, (mom, older and younger sisters, new sister-in-law and myself) went out Friday for a girls' night out. En route to Angler's on the Island (one of my favorite restaurants), my mom and sister were discussing their schedules and appointments. At one point, my mom realized she would need help transporting my dad to a doctor's appointment. When it appeared I would be the one to take my dad, I commented with great enthusiasm, "So, I get to take my dad to a colonoscopy!" My mom replied in that affectionate, loving, nurturing way mom's have (and laughing as if she always planned it this way), "Well, you better get used to it! You have aging parents and you're in for a lot worse!"

Well, I suppose it's the least I can do after all they've done!

Oh! Hahaha... Speaking of Dad... I owe him a huge !!!Congratulations!!! For finally landing a job he's wanted for years! He is an example of persistence and determination!

The Venus and The Prowler

Here's the kayak I want. Cool, huh? This is the one Tom wants...The Prowler, manly, huh?

NO, i'm not a man...

I answered the phone yesterday, saying the typical "Hello?" The person on the other end asked if they were speaking to Mr. Thomas West the IV. I said, "no your not" and they said thanks and hung up.

Anyone have comments on Spiritual Directors? I'm researching this training, but don't really know much.

Character Development

This list started out as a sort of contract and guideline for expected behaviors in our home. We are trying to learn how to be parents who deal with the heart issues and developing character rather than just reacting to behaviors. As I was compiling and typing the list, I realized Tom and I need these guidelines posted as much for our own character development as we do for Gracie's growth. I began thinking I'm in the same boat as my daughter, we're in this together and she is watching me and how I live out these traits...and I've got plenty of room to improve. Thankfully, it's not about controlling and demanding, it's about love and discipline for the sake of growth for each of us.

OBEDIENCE: doing what someone says, right away, without being reminded

HONOR: treating people as special, doing more than what’s expected, and having a good attitude

PERSEVERANCE: hanging in there even after you feel like quitting

ATTENTIVENESS: showing people you love them be looking at them when they say their words

PATIENCE: waiting with a happy heart

SELF-DISCIPLINE: putting off present rewards for future benefits

GRATEFULNESS: being thankful for the things I have instead of grumbling about the things I don’t have

RESPECT: showing high regard for authority, for other people, for self, for property. Valuing all people as God’s creation.

COURAGE: Doing the right thing even when those around you don’t and following your conscience instead of the crowd.

HONESTY: Telling the truth, admitting wrong doing.

KINDNESS: Being helpful and understanding to others. Showing understanding of others by showing them care, compassion, friendship, generosity and a forgiving spirit. Treating others better than yourself.

RESPONSIBILITY: Being accountable and dependable in word and deed.

GOOD JUDGMENT: Basing decisions on wisdom, choosing worthy goals and setting proper priorities. Thinking through the consequences of your actions.


When Disciplining, (incomplete list):

1. Ask “why was that wrong?” at the end of discipline. Not to lecture, but to look at the heart issue.

2. Empathy communicates love, while at the same time allows the child to accept responsibility for the problem. Empathy validates the emotions a child is experiencing even though the actions that come out of these emotions may need correction. Demonstrating your love while your child learns from experience.

3. Pray!!!!, and especially when feeling at a loss for how to handle a situation.

4. Be angry, but take the time to step outside of the moment and plan a response instead of reacting.

5. Don’t forget to ignore certain behaviors when dealing with power struggles.

New Perspective

I've been contemplating and becoming more aware of the idea that the process of learning is far more valuable than the outcome. This means to me that our failures hold value as much as our successes hold value. The point isn't necessairily to reach an expected end or destination or desirable outcome. The point is the process, the learning, the journey. Each failure is an opportunity to learn, to grow. If I can embrace the pain of failure, I embrace my humanity and depend on one who is greater. This seems to be a theme surfacing over and over lately...in different parts of my life.

For instance, in teaching math to struggling students, I am constantly challenged to come up with a new way of explaining 2+2=4. The challenge for me is being perceptive and aware of each students abilities and struggles in order to come up with a way to explain or teach or help them experience a new concept. This year, I worked with Dr. Penry, a wonderful woman, who taught me a few things about learning. She taught me that learning takes place in 3 stages. First is the concrete, then representational, then abstract. First children need to play with manipulatives and put two blocks together with two blocks and see that it makes four (concrete). Then they draw pictures in their notebooks of two blocks with two blocks and see that is four (representational). Finally, we use the abstract symbols 2+2=4 and likely understand what they mean because we've already experienced it. Often when we are struggling with a concept, one of these stages was missed in our learning process. At each stage, the students are practicing the new concept and likely along the way, it was trial and error. Each situation that didn't work gave new insights to find what might work.

Yoga is the same way. The pose isn't the point. It's becoming aware of our breathing and our abilities and challenges to the pose and working with and within our limitations. It's being and centering in the moment.

It also seems I am relating this idea to my own life journey as a Christian. The purpose of this journey we are on is to become like Christ. To know Him. I come to the world mostly ignorant of this and life is sorting it out (with guidance from the Holy Spirit). Sanctification or working out my salvation takes t-i-m-e and trial and error and mistakes and failures and lack of understanding and despair and loneliness and discipline and learning to take responsibility and it also includes moments of clarity, growth, and new trust.

The process is O.K.

She's beautiful, inside and out

I'm diggin' the mom thing. Gracie (2yrs. and 3 months) said the blessing at dinner tonight. I asked her if she wanted to pray, and we held hands and she (on her own) began to say, "Thank you God for mommy and daddy and ....(other stuff)....and thank you for a good day at the beach, AMEN." I was teary eyed by the end. I love these sweet encouragers.

I've been gearing up for hurricane season. This is such a pain! I used to not even concern myself with hurricane season. For several years I didn't realize hurricanes hit my area...we never had any threats. Now, I am a little anxious anticipating the season. So, we prepare as best we can and wait.

Any thoughts?

Any opinions on this? This may seem shallow or obvious to some, but it's a question running through my mind. I think I know what I think, but I'm curious to know what others think.

What if your motive is to choose to follow Christ's teachings because you believe obeying them is what brings an abundant life? Is this a self-centered attitude, or is that too much analyzing? Or is it more just because God is God and I'm not? Or is it a combination or balance of the two?

The Perfect Storm

Tom is sick today. He's had an upset stomach all day. He is rarely sick, but stomach viruses seem to be what typically stops him. I am sad for him. Gracie and I tried to give him time for peace and quite, so we went out. We had lunch at the park and dinner at Friday's...so as not to have the aroma of food in the house. We've had beautiful weather lately, not too hot, not too humid, gusty breezes, so the park was really enjoyable. We had a picnic lunch and played on the playground and tossed leaves and sticks into the water. We had a nice time.

For dinner we had a "girls' night out" at Friday's. We sat in a little booth together. Honestly, I went to Friday's telling myself, "if it gets bad, just leave"! I didn't expect to enjoy the dinner because we seem to be "butting heads" these last couple of days. From what I've read, it's not uncommon for children to cycle through phases of sweetness... when everything seems to be roses, and phases of constant challenge...when you start wondering what happened. Like you suspect your child was abducted by aliens in the middle of the night and switched with an evil twin or something. We seem to be dealing with the alien evil twin these days. For her, these are typically related to a lack of adequate sleep (both tot and parent), teething, a growth spurt, or just because. Her latest goal seems to be to consistently do the opposite of a parental request...no matter how creatively it's presented and requested. I'm running low on patience and this greatly effects my desire and opportunity to be creative. I find myself thinking "you should obey me just because and that's it!" The great thing about her is that she is two and hardly comprehends my gravitation toward dogmatic thinking and my expectation of blind obedience, so she rarely complies. This leaves me having to deal with myself...blechhh! What's worse, is that the very thing I want to demand from her is the very thing with which I wrestle with God. I don't always want to obey Him or His commands, I don't want to trust Him, and yet, He is consistently patient and generous with grace. Not grace that lets me get away with my selfish behavior, but grace that gently teaches and guides me back with correction. Well, I gave myself a little pep talk and thankfully and not using my own strength, dinner was a lot of fun. The best part was when she laughed her special laugh. You know, the one when you can tell kids are really tickeled, when they think you're the funniest thing on earth. These are rare laughs, they usually take you by surprise, but you feel so proud because you got a genuine, belly laugh from a two year old.

It was a nice way to end the day Tom labeled "the perfect storm". I'm moody, Gracie is two, and he is sick in the bed. He very sweetly suggested giving me a break on Saturday, an opportunity to renew myself with some alone time. Reflection is good for the soul, but so are the trenches. I feel weak inside and haven't been able to maintain a consistent problem solving mindset. Instead, it's my emotional, tantrum throwing mindset that seems to be getting center stage. I find myself in constant prayer and repentence and regrouping. As I told Tom, "at some point, I've got to learn to live with myself." I need this...I need the challenge of giving and serving when all that is within me wants to take and hoard. At the same time, God places people in the body for the very reason we need each other to function. We can balance each other. So, I will find comfort in taking what I need as well, because that's ok too.

BTW, "Brownie Obsession" is the most incredible brownie I've ever had. My brother suggested it and I reluctantly thought, "a brownie is a brownie". Now I find myself thinking, "what will I do if they take this off the menu? Could I survive such a catastrophe?" Take my food, clothing and shelter, but not my chocolate!!!

Hope you feel better soon, hun :)

Cute & Sassy

 

Lights on the Unseen

Can I just tell you that I just absolutely, positively, undeniably, LOVE this CD. It takes a lot for me to truly be moved by music. I like all kinds of music, but it's rare that I find music that resonates so much with me. When I listen to this CD, it's as if the music is my song. Like he somehow tapped into my idea of the perfect music. I love Chris Taylor's poetic lyrics and even the poetry and story of his music. This definitely will be a forever all time favorite. He opened for a Derek Webb concert in Panama City in January. I loved his set of three songs. After the first song I had already decided to buy his CD. I had an opportunity to share with him how much I enjoyed his set, and his personality was just as pleasant as his music. He also has a great wife, Gileah. I am not typically so passionate about the music I listen to, but I find myself passionate about this. I think YOU is my favorite song.

God is still God

A further reflection on "I will be OK"

Tonight, I was talking to a mom in our church whose family is truly suffering what I consider an immense amount of hardship right now. As she was sharing some of what is going on in her life, I was thinking to myself, "God, how much do you heap on to one family at a time?" My heart hurt for her family and for her. She wants to be strong and tries to be strong, but she doesn't feel strong. She said she is weary. She said she wonders what she might be doing wrong. Oh, my heart was so sad to hear this. Remember Job?

Job says, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."

Matthew says, "He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego say, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

I've been facilitating an Experiencing God group on Sunday nights. Blackaby talks about evaluating our situations and circumstances against the backdrop of the cross. Meaning the truth is Romans 5:8, "God demonstrates His own love for us in this, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." I guess what I understand and what I've learned is that it matters the perspective we have and the questions we ask. We are tempted to look at our distressing times and blame ourselves, or others, or we are tempted to ask God what we have done or are doing wrong, or what we need to learn so we can hurry up and get out of the situtation. What I am getting is that it's not so much "God, what is the lesson I need to learn to get out of this distressing situation" as much as it's about "God, help me to desire your will. I am doubting, I am scared, I am angry, etc. Please help me to have the strength to trust you." To look at these situations from a perspective that says here is an opportunity for God to reveal himself to me in an even greater way.

Other thoughts:
Tressie, a woman in our EG group shared a really great word picture tonight. She often reminds us in our discussions to value the growing process. To be OK with those times that we are often anxious to move past, the times that are maybe just uncomfortable, or maybe those times it feels unbearable. Often, these are the times we tend to judge ourselves or others harshly.

Her word picture related to the struggles we face in surrending ourselves to God's will. She said it's like a tot running out into the middle of the street with an oncoming car. We grab the child by the arm and pull them to safety. In the process, because the child has only a limited understanding of the situation, they protest our rescue. She is left to deal with her emotions. She must work through her anger and grieve her loss and trust that I know what's best for her. I could see things about the situation she couldn't. But, maybe in time, as she grows, she begins to understand why she was pulled out of the street so abruptly.

How do I change the dates on my drafts????

Since I can't figure out how to change the date on my updated drafts I am just going to tell you the newest and latest posts I've finished:

Valuing the Genders
Apr. 15

I will be OK
Jan. 11

My Hometown

One of the things I love about my hometown is the beach. Some days, when the wind blows right, you can smell the ocean in the air. I work at an open campus elementary school not far from the water. I often find myself strolling and lingering on the ramps taking in deep breaths of the salty air. They just feel so clean and refreshing. They're invigorating! During the Spring and Summer, as you drive over the Destin bridge, the water is crystal clear and the most glorious shades of blue and green. It's truly captivating along with the azure sky and brilliant white clouds! After admiring it for 20+ years, it is no less beautiful. It's almost as if I yearn and long to be a part of its beauty. I ache inside for it as I see the encroaching condos along the beach and the pretentious boats in the water. It posesses a beauty given to us and to it by the grace of God. Beauty that helps us understand our Heavenly Creator. Oh to be aware of the constant presence of the Almighty Father, the creator and artist of such things! The sunsets are yet another display of this awesome artistry. They never cease to inspire me. The shades of pink and purple and orange and green are incredible as they paint across the sky. Can your mind imagine them? Can it see them? If only I had the words to describe. As I stand on the boardwalk admiring nature around me, it's as if time stands still. My thoughts are still, I am truly at peace and in awe. It's a silent worship. And though the highway may be close by, there is no sound save the water lapping on the shore, the birds giving their song to the canvas, and the leaves from the live oak rustling in the breeze.

Hooray for Kindermusik

We took Gracie to a Kindermusik class a couple of Saturday's ago. My neighbor told me about this class. It was sooo much fun. As a family, we all went together. On the surface, the class appeared like total chaos with two year olds running all around as they please. But, it was the most child friendly environment I've ever experienced. I really love the philosophy behind the curriculum. It focuses on valuing the process of learning and development rather than assessing the performance. Families participate together (mom, DAD and children). We sang silly songs, danced, played, interacted, had story time. It truly was a great time. Children are allowed to basically run free and partcipate in class activities as they choose. If they would rather play with everyone's shoes lined along the wall than listen to storytime, then they are allowed to do that. Each activity is structured to stimulate certain parts of the brain for social, emotional, physical, etc. development.

There are times my daughter sees strangers and often tries to say Hello or talk to them and is ignored because her small voice and small stature are easy to miss. In Kindermusik class, we sing the "Hello" song and ask each child how they would like to sing the song (clapping, hopping, dancing). Each child gets their moment in the spotlight and everyone--parents, teacher and other tots mimic the child. She participates as she pleases and plays as she pleases. It's a time solely focused on valuing what's important to a tot. How great is that?!

When discipline is necessary, the other children choose the discipline (usually time out) rather than the adults. This helps the little ones build community and respect for one another.

On the surface, it may seem like an awkward class where children run free and parents look silly dancing and singing and playing, but the purpose is to value what's important to a child and to learn what's important to a child. It may be planned to help the children develop their skills, but I think I learned much more than my daughter. It helps me meet her where she's at and value her for the place she's at, and I can use all the help I can get!

Valuing the Genders

I don't really consider myself a feminist as I understand the term, but I believe in the value of women and I believe our culture still has significant growth potential as far as it relates to valuing women and femininity. Sometimes I am grieved by certain facets of the feminist movement because in my experiences, it often seems to try to make women and men the same more than equal. Sometimes, it seems to promote more of a seemingly ambiguous gender rather than celebrating all that makes us women and men. I don't believe women can do anything men can do and I don't think they need to. We each have different purposes and different strengths and I want us to celebrate the uniqueness of our genders becasue we are each made in God's image. I think we get a more complete picture or understanding of our Creator when we come together and work together and honor and value one another and our differences. Even to the extent that our understanding of God is limited as our understanding of the opposite sex is limited.

For women only (and those who love them):
I am trying to learn to embrace more of what makes me a woman. Specifically, the monthly hormone flucuations and how they effect moods and even my pattern of thinking. I had a wise friend once tell me she began tracking and really watching her mood swings because she was convicted about learning how to control herself better during PMS. She noticed that she had a tendency to be much more irrational besides being emotional and grumpy and agitated and depressed. She wanted to better learn how to handle herself during the times that are most difficult. I decided to do the same thing. I really have learned a lot about myself. I've done a little research on PMS and PPMD and different natural remedies in hopes to help me better manage myself while also allowing myself room to deal with the mood swings. It's not that I want to rid myself of them, as it's part of who I am. I want to manage it in an effort to grow as a person and as a woman. It's a unique challenge to women.

I'm movin on up...

Do you love the pictures!!!??? OK, maybe they're not that impressive. But your talkin to someone whose last great adventure in the computer world was Wordperfect 5.0 or 5.7 or whatever it was back in the 90's. Yeah, those were the days. I could strike those "f" keys like nobody's business and have a research paper typed in a matter of seconds. Sad thing is, I have stupid dial up internet service and my husband is the one who uploaded the pictures. Is anyone crying for me, yet? I need help!

Anyway, now you can see my "Amazing Grace"!

Like Mother Like Daughter

  

My life is a trash talk show...ok, just sometimes

Even in the most frustrating, doubting if I should be a parent, and intense times there are moments of hilarity. I was at a loss with how to deal with my tired daughter who was not handling frustration or the word "no" to well as evidenced by the repeated whining, crying and sobbing. After trying to comfort and reassure her and emapthize with her, I was at a loss. The behavior was only intensifying. In my frustration and loss, I placed her in the bed and instructed her to stay there until she was ready to act "nice" - which isn't our common practice. She immediatly climbed out of the bed sobbing "no bed, mommy, no bed?" I said firmly, "get back in the bed or I will spank you." To which she immediately screamed and ran down the hallway crying and waving her hands in the air repeating, "no bed, no bed." At this point, all I could think about were Jerry Springer and Maury Povich. You know, the shows where the "significant other" can't believe their loved one cheated or can't believe the lie detector test said they were lying or can't believe the 47th DNA test proved this man wasn't the father either. Typically, someone goes running off stage crying and screaming and waving their hands in the air and later collapse on the floor backstage. I'm thinking about sending in an audition tape and using my daughter's talents to earn some extra cash or a free vacation or at least some sympathy.

In truth, it's amazing and frightening how much my child reveals my own childish ways.

A Prayer

Here is a prayer I have truly come to appreciate in recent days. Um...maybe it helps some to sustain me in the times my character and intentions are called into question. When I am confused because I know my heart's desire...but others (and even myself sometimes) question if not my intentions, my vulnerability to be led astray. I appreciate and value the concern, and I leave the rest to the Spirit. Prayers like this are easier to pray and speak than to live.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am
going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain
where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think
that I
am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing
so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please
you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I
hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that
if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing
about it. Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be
lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with
me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Thomas Merton

--Thoughts in Solitude

In Memory of Morgan

In case anyone would like to join the fight against cancer, you can donate in memory of Morgan Welch, a beautiful person inside and out:
Help...

What was she thinking?!

It occured to me today while watching a commercial on bologna, my mom used to feed me Oscar Mayer liverwurst. You know, the stuff that used to come in some sort of submarine looking squeeze tube. It had some sort of plastic star shaped contraption in the center of the tube and you squeezed the "liverwurst" through the hole onto the bread. We used to spread it on bread with mustard. Sounds like a great idea!!!....doesn't it?!

The healing I need is grace (yoga, part 2)

On my retreat to Atlanta, I learned more about myself. I don't consider myself serious about yoga, but I made sense of why I value it so much and why I've stuck with it longer than any other exercise program I've tried. It just seems to fit so neatly with my spititual journey. What I love even more is that I realized this after; not before, I made it a regular part of my life. In some ways, I think it helped established a foundation for me to build a better understanding of some Truths.

Scott made mention that yoga is individual. It is not meant to be guided by the teacher. It is meant to be guided by our body. The teacher is the experience of the student. For instance, we do not breathe or move or pose ourselves at the command of the teacher (although some practices of yoga differ in this approach), we follow our own body. We breathe as our body allows us to breathe, we move into positions and postures as our body allows us to. Therefore, if at some point in the practice we need to adjust our postures or breathing or take a break, then it is encouraged for us to follow our body. We learn humility when we recognize the limitations of our body. This recognition of the state of our body can also empower us to rest. We are empowered to make the practice ours. Yoga is meant to meet us where we are at. I think this is a beautiful example of grace and maybe how the Holy Spirit works in our life. Christ meets us where we are. The healing we need as a result of fear or hatred or violence we act out in our lives or towards others is grace. We would not be truthful if we didn’t admit to ourselves that we are all guilty of some form of denigration to ourselves and toward others. I recall and still participate in countless instances in my life where I’ve devalued myself and others. Not recognizing the value of my own life and thus judging others or denying Christ like compassion for others. Christ makes it clear we are in no position to judge others, even more importantly; the second greatest commandment is to love others as we love ourselves. I’ve made choices such as choosing not to speak to someone based on their appearance; no, not necessarily the color of their skin, to believing certain individuals don’t have a right to life. I judge because someone isn’t doing things the way I think they should be done. I have an inflated view of my own opinions, not respecting or valuing those things that make us human and make us different. I have denied others compassion because of my own fears. I have avoided others because they have a disability or emotional wounds or scars and I don’t know how to handle it, so I avoid them, contributing to the isolation they likely already feel. Grace is the bridge to deal with the differences we share. Grace demands us to look inside ourselves and deal with ourselves; to grieve, wrestle, celebrate, mourn, heal, etc…and then take that broken, vulnerable person and give that person to others. Because when we see our own need for grace and when we see ourselves no better than others, not deserving from others, or recognizing those areas we tend to blame others (passing our responsibility on to others), then we can be more honest with others, it opens an opportunity for dialogue with others to share and admit our own failures or shortcomings or needs for growth and helps build relationships. It’s difficult to give of ourselves when we haven’t dealt with our own loneliness and isolation that needs grace.

Yoga, Part 1

I’ve been regularly practicing yoga for about 4 years. A doctor recommended it to me after I went to him with general aches and pains as a result of jogging. In his words, “you know, you aren’t 17 anymore, why don’t you just try yoga?” The majority of my experience has been Gaiam videos from Target. I don’t consider myself a serious student, although I am faithful to the practice. I knew I was drawn to it and committed to it, but I didn’t realize how much the practice has influenced me until I went to the retreat.

This journaling is a compilation of thoughts shared by the teachers as well as my own thoughts.

We can see the practice of Yoga meshing with spirituality from two different vantage points on a continuum. The first would be “christianizing” yoga, the next would be evaluating my intentions and thus it becomes spiritual because my intentions are pure. I can relate to both vantage points; however I think I tend to value the second approach of intentions. It seems the first approach comes to the experience with a certain fear and doubt, a concern that one will be influenced by false teachings and thus be led astray. The second approaches the experience valuing the intention at which the practice is being tried or evaluated. The first takes the practice of yoga and adds scripture and prayers of meditations and the like. I am thinking this makes the practice more palatable and thus not something to be feared. The idea is that if it’s covered with Christianity or Jesus or scripture or prayers, then it is made Holy. The second uses the intention to bring one to a contemplative state for the soul to meet the mystery. The second embraces the idea that if it is already true and good, then it is Holy. This is something that Fr. Tom expressed

mmmm..chocolate coca-cola cake

Atlanta was such an awesome trip. It was difficult to leave Tom and Gracie, I cried as I pulled out of the driveway thinking about how much I would miss them and feeling anxious about the drive and really not knowing what to expect. I am so glad I trudged through those difficult moments and left. While I’m sure it doesn’t impress many people, I am darn proud of myself for driving to Atlanta alone. I gave myself a pat on the back each time another lane of traffic was added as I approached the city limits. I really enjoyed the entire 6 ½ hour drive. It was nice to have that much time to myself. Once I arrived at the monastery, a gate marked the entrance to the campus. It was so quiet and peaceful as I drove through the gates. Huge trees and a pond and a small garden invited contemplation. I walked into the guest house and was pleasantly greeted by Charlotte, a volunteer who gave me the key to my room. I arrived around 4 pm and vespers began at 5:30 with dinner immediately following. I unpacked and settled in and attended vespers. It was awkward, as I was unfamiliar with the service, but I truly enjoyed it. The dining room is silent, and so I ate in silence with 20 or so other guests. This too was a new experience for me. At first, I had a nervous grin as I sat down to eat, but by the end of the meal I was more comfortable. After dinner, we had orientation and our first yoga session at 6:30. During this time we met one another as well as the two leaders, Scott, a graduate student with a more traditional background of yoga who is studying how yoga and Christianity relate, and Dayna, an English teacher for 22 years who began instructing yoga about 3 or 4 years ago. We also met Fr. Tom Francis, 78, a monk for 54 years, who began studying yoga alone around 30 years ago when a Time magazine showed up at the Monastery with stick figures illustrating yoga poses. All three teachers worked incredibly well together. They had very different backgrounds and experiences and approaches to yoga that offered a well rounded opportunity for the rest of us.

After the retreat, I drove up to the North side of Atlanta to meet and visit with a friend. I really enjoyed the chance to “catch up” with Billie and we had a nice dinner. It rained all the way home on Monday, but for lunch I stopped in Montgomery at Cracker Barrel for sweet tea, baked chicken, cornbread stuffing, green beans and chocolate coca-cola cake and that made up for the rain.

my Amazing Grace

Feb. 23:
My beautiful daughter is 2 today. I love the opportunity to celebrate her life. I am so thankful for her life. It’s amazing to experience love the way I experience love with her. Most things in life we choose to love, but I don’t feel that way with her. I am compelled to love her. I can’t recall a time I chose to love her, it just always was. My love for her has changed, especially once she was born, but it has always been present. One of my fears of being a mom was that I would resent taking care of her. I was afraid I would resent getting up in the middle of the night to feed her or I would resent not getting to do things I wanted to do because I had to take care of her…kind of like it feels when as kids we have to watch our siblings instead of going out with friends or doing what we want to do. I’ve not ever felt that way with her. I’ve been frustrated when I’ve had to change plans, I’ve been extremely tired and would rather sleep than feed her, I’ve needed a break from her, but the love and joy and fulfillment she brought to my life doesn’t change. It’s my hope that each day I will cherish time with her and not take her for granted. She is such a gift – truly amazing. She’s my amazing Grace… in so many different ways.

The morning after my trip, she climbed into bed with me and Tom and sat between us. We rolled over to face her and said our good mornings. She settled herself between us so she could see our faces, and then she patted me on the leg and said “Mommy, I glad yo heuh… in de bed”, then she turned and patted Tom and said, “Daddy, I glad yo heuh… in de bed.” These are the moments of joy I couldn’t have imagined.

Nothing cheesecake won't cure....

My trip to Atlanta was all I had hoped for and more. I was only home a few hours before I began missing the Monastery. I was in a hurry to get home because I missed my family, but the opportunity to have time to myself was much needed. Time when no one was making demands on me and I felt free to do as I pleased. I tasted a freedom I want to live more in my daily life, not just when I drive 6 hours away and stay in a Monastery. I also challenged myself in new ways and I learned more than I expected about what the practice of yoga means to me. I was amazed by the knowledge of Fr. Tom Francis, one of the monks who taught us. I have gained a new respect for the traditions and history of the catholic church. I had great conversations with others, the type of conversation that I don't typically get to have in my day to day life. In the next couple of days, I am going to start posting journals from my trip.

Right now, I am struggling. I can be idealistic and I feel like I am being sucked back into a dark, dismal world that I don't want to be in. A world that controls me. Is it the "real" world, or just the world I've allowed to consume me? There are things in my life I don't like and now they are even more repulsive. I am asking myself how much do I change, what do I change, how do I change? Am I just too idealistic, or would I find more fulfillment in living my ideals? I feel like I am standing on a battle field and chaos and harm and anger are all around me and I am wondering if I should continue fighting or begin waving the white flag. A thought just occurred to me...vanilla cheescake from TGIFriday's might cure all of this.

What is the cost of communication?

Yeah! Connie from Lifeway called. I have a better understanding and found out their policy was more flexible than previously mentioned to me. I originally asked for clarification because I didn't understand their policy and the lack of flexibility indicated by the emails sent to me. It was so difficult to get this info...I almost gave up. Was it worth it? I don't know. I'd like to say yes because now I have a better understanding of the copyright laws, Connie thanked me for calling, so I guess she has a better understanding of my need for further explanation, I just don't like that it took so much effort. It was difficult to be patient, it didn't seem like something that required two weeks of email and phone tag.

Is it so difficult to explain why?

Well, I recently requested permission to copy some materials from Lifeway and they denied my request. I can accept that, but when I asked to have an explanation for the denial, they have totally avoided me. They have given blanket statements that are almost auto response like and it has been impossible to talk to someone in person. I would like to just give up and not inquire anymore, but now it comes down to principle. Being a person with a mind and will of my own, I think it is reasonable to ask the question “why?” It just seems like when this question is asked, and I would like to say I think I have been polite; one becomes a nuisance instead of the mindless robot that our consumerist, capitalistic society prefers. My husband says I am being difficult, but I like to think I am being myself and thinking for myself. I just asked “why?” what is difficult about that if you have a good reason and a good explanation? The fact that I am being avoided suggests to me that the policies are not flexible enough, or dialogue and discussion concerning the policies is not valued.

Atlanta or Bust!

In a little more than two weeks I will be going to a retreat in Conyers, GA, just outside of Atlanta. This means I will be driving in the 42 laned Atlanta traffic on I-85 and I-285. Anyone have words of wisdom for someone who rarely drives on roads with more than two lanes?

My fears:
Other drivers
road hazards
lost and alone

Morgan

Life is difficult.  Things happen I don’t understand.  Things happen I cannot comprehend.  Our pastor shared difficult news with the congregation today.  It was found that Morgan had 10 lesions on her brain.  She’s been fighting an aggressive form of breast cancer for the last 1 ½ years.  She was diagnosed just weeks after she was married.  Over time, we’ve been told cancer was found in her back, then her liver, possibly her lungs, and finally this week, we were told about the lesions on her brain.  A few days later, we were told doctors released her from their care and from anymore treatments.  They feel they’ve done all they can for her.  

Questions are flooding my mind.  I have known Morgan for most of our lives.  We are not close friends, but I have spoken to her, I’ve touched her, I’ve hugged her, I’ve prayed for her, I’ve cried for her.  I’ve also known her family for many years.  I am angry!  I am angry these things happen.  

I know this story is repeated often in different ways in many lives.  Why do these things happen?  How do you reconcile events like this in your life?  These stories happen to people every day around the world in some way.  How do I process these events as they occur around me, or when they occur to me?

I usually turn to Job to deal with these questions.  This time, I began reading around the sixth chapter.  I’ve always thought Job was a “special case”.  Whenever I’ve read Job, I’ve always read it as though it was a one time occurrence.  His circumstances were so harsh; I just decided God only allowed this once.  God used him as some sort of example.  God doesn’t work that way anymore.  As I was reading it this time, it occurred to me…his story is happening everyday around the world.  It is happening to Morgan and her family right now.  It happened to Abraham when he was told to sacrifice Isaac, and as my husband stated, it happened to Peter when Christ told him Satan had asked permission to sift him.  

Each night, Phyllis Tickle spoke blessings at a conference my husband and I attended last May.  The first night, she told the story of Abraham and Isaac.  She added new insight to the story.  She explained that as Abraham raised his hand in obedience to kill his only son, God stopped him and said “now I know how much you love me.” Then she paused, “wait!”  Instead, maybe God was telling Abraham “now YOU know how much you love me”.  

What is the difference?  The first reply is as if it were answering an unspoken question from God, “how far will Abraham go?”  I’m thinking that viewpoint diminishes God.  He already knew the answer to that question; He didn’t have to ask it.  I also think it diminishes our potential as we seek to live the life of Christ.  The second reply brings the notion that maybe the purpose of this experience was to reveal to Abraham his own willingness to go with God no matter where it took him, no matter the events or circumstances around him.    

What can we gain from learning our own limits to the cost of following Christ?  Can we find security in learning and knowing how much we love God, in addition to how much He loves us in times of trial?  I know these questions don’t have answers in black and white.  Each tragedy carries its own purpose.    

People are hurting and I am sad and I am angry and I don’t understand the purpose of it all.  I don’t like it and I don’t understand why life is or has to be this way.  I don’t know what I think it should be like.  But, after all of that, I am OK.  If I must choose between anger and bitterness or growth and healing, I am still compelled to trust God.  Not that it’s without questions…

Morgan passed away at 4:14 a.m. January 29.  She was 24.   May God be with her loved ones as they grieve.

Loving people isn't efficient

We went to a Derek Webb concert in Panama City last night. Within the last year or so, he has become my new favorite artist. When I listened to his new album Mockingbird released in December, it only increased my affection for his music. Besides appreciating his folk rock sound, his lyrics are what capture me. My favorite songs from this album so far are "Mockingbird" and "New Law". He puts to words the things I struggle with and the things I struggle to express. It’s refreshing not only to feel as if you have been given words you were searching for, but also to hear someone speak so boldly and honestly from their heart. I really appreciated him sharing his thoughts about his albums. At the show, he described his first album as songs about being set free, recognizing the liberty we have because of the one who kept the law. He described his second album as being one in which he talks about the things we are set free unto.

In an interview he said:

“Because Jesus has kept the law on our behalf, because Jesus has loved the poor
perfectly on our behalf, we are liberated. That was the message of the first
record.
The message of this record is: it has liberated us unto what? Now
that we are set free, now that we don’t have to do anything to earn God’s favor,
how shall we live in light of that? And I think that looks very much like
helping the poor. And maybe we need to look around us and see that an issue is
that we are not around the poor. As Christians, we don’t live next to the poor,
or those who are gay, or minorities or anyone who could be difficult for us to
love. So now our neighbors are, of course, easy to love. They look like me, talk
like me, make the same money and are interested in the same things. So
this command has become way too easy.”

On The House Show he says:

“Loving people isn’t safe. Loving people isn’t efficient”

Lisa's take: I am learning more and more about this in my personal life. I’m learning more about a love and truth that resonates within my spirit. A love I’ve been searching for…a love that maybe I thought was only a fairytale. I’m learning how to love and how to be loved. It’s frightening because my world is new and I wonder what else I am missing.

One review says Derek Webb “oversimplifies” certain social or political issues. I like to think, however, that is not what he intends. He brings up difficult questions and controversial subjects, but they are real issues and real subjects if we are honest with ourselves.

“About being the one to start these conversations in Christian circles, Webb remarks honestly, “I’m not sure I’m the best one to do it, but it’s not like people are lining up for this particular job. And we need to start this dialogue yesterday about how to love people better. Let’s stop arguing and name calling, let’s find something to commend about one another and then start from that place of unity.”

Lisa's take: I get so excited to hear someone talk about these things. It’s not about stirring up controversy, as some may see it. It’s about recognizing the issues many of us ignore or the questions we are afraid to ask. It’s about opening dialogue to discuss these issues so we can deal with them. We are on this journey together, learning together.

Local artist, Chris Taylor, from Destin also performed a small set. It’s rare I hear music I immediately like from the first song to the last. I really enjoyed the music, it was an acoustic, folk, mellow sound. I’m not ready to comment on his lyrics, although what I could understand last night I really liked. His lyrics were poetic and sung with the music they created a lot of imagery. His set was a nice surprise.

Pull Daddy's Finger

Tom and I were watching our two year-old daughter play the other day…who even through the tantrums is more beautiful and amazing every day. We’ve sort of been potty training so the bathroom has become one of her play areas. As if continuing a tradition passed down from her daddy, she was standing on a little step stool playing and looking into the mirror above the sink. Also like her daddy, she recently began singing short phrases and sentences about things on her mind to her own little melody. Tom and I were standing in the doorway of the bathroom, watching and admiring this beautiful gift from God as she played and sang her own songs. She was laughing, giggling, smiling showing all of her teeth, and dancing as she was performing for her audience. She’s become fascinated with the Wizard of Oz lately, so she was singing about Scarecrow and Tinman and Dorothy and the Witch. Then all of the sudden she adds to the melody…”pull Daddy’s finger”. What? Puzzled and laughing so I could hardly speak; I looked to my husband for clarification. “Did she say “pull daddy’s finger”? Laughing just as hard as I was, he proudly shook his head yes and commented on his success. We laughed and I remarked something about his legacy to her, and then we both turned to continue admiring our gift we created together. Moments like these are treasures.

I will be OK

Tom and I watched Les Miserables the other night. I’ve been avoiding the movie for years simply because I had been told a poor description of the story line and I feared the story and the ending were too sad to watch, too emotional or gut wrenching. I guess stories like that tend to bring to surface my doubts and questions.

As we watched it, I was ashamed I had been avoiding it. To me, it's a story about the difference between law and grace and the necessity to have a balance of the two in our lives. It is such a beautiful story. I am sorry I waited so long before I watched it. I found myself brooding over thoughts and questions as the story progressed. I found myself frustrated…I was scared of the ending. I was scared that “bad” things happened to the “good” guy and that was unbearable to me. I kept asking Tom to tell me the ending of the movie because I just wanted it to be over. The ending was not what I expected, but it left me with these questions. What if the ending was what I expected? Would God still be God? Would God still be a good God? Would I still believe in Grace? Of course I can say “yes” with my mouth, but I want to say yes with my “heart, soul, and mind, and strength”.

I realized that for me, part of the definition of Grace is to know that no matter the situation, circumstances or events in my life, I will be O.K. Not that the circumstances change, not that life turns out the way I want it to…or the way I think it should, but that no matter how incredibly unjust I think my life becomes, I am OK.

The Journey

C.S. Lewis once said that our ideas for the day, our daily routines, are our plans, our will; but the interruptions to those routines are God’s plans and His will.  We can react one of two ways, with resentment and avoidance, or with obedience and service.  I know that I often choose the resentment and avoidance.  I also know that choosing obedience and service are never disappointing.  They only lead to fulfillment, to a sense of purpose.  Why is it, then, that we often spend our lives avoiding and fearing difficult circumstances and situations?  It is these times God uses to facilitate learning and growing.  This is what life is, this is the journey, this is the process.

Push the Button!!!!

I was shopping at Target the other day with my beautiful 21 month old daughter. After completing our purchases, we walked back to the car and I unloaded my plastic tubs, my new red sweater, and my purse containing my cell phone. Then, I placed my most precious cargo into her car seat. As I was setting her in the car seat, she leaned over and grabbed my car keys. "No big deal," I thought.  “She can play with them." After buckling her in the car seat, I left the door open just in case she locked the doors while playing with the keys and I ran to put away the cart. As I was running, I could hear the car locks clicking. I gave myself a pat on the back.  I thought, "Hehehe...good thinking Lisa.  No worries, you left the car door open, you’re a smart one!" I returned to the car and leaned in the OPEN door to take the car keys. She protested! She wanted to keep the keys. So, I thought, "She'll get bored if we just sit here and then she'll willingly hand over the keys. I'll just close the door and sit in the driver's seat and wait." (There are so many things wrong with the previous conclusion...to be discussed later.)  I closed the door and pulled on the handle to open the driver's side door....LOCKED!!! AHHHH!!!! Don't let her see you panic! Now what?  How do I explain to a Target employee or some unsuspecting shopper I need to use their phone because my daughter is locked in the car-without me!   I concluded that since she already pushed the buttons before, she could do it again - right?  Even if the LOCK button is the size of Texas and the unlock button is the size of a piece of lint.  I peered into the car window.  There she was laughing and playing with the keys. I began pleading with her to push the button. Tapping on the window, I started pleading, "Gracie, push the button. Gracie, mommy can't get in the car unless you push the button. I'm locked out. You need to push the button to let me in. I can't get in the car. Push the button." She would laugh and jingle the keys.  After pleading and pleading with with her, I began plan my next move.  Then, she finally DID IT!! I heard the locks *click*! Yeah!!!!! Before I finished my thought, I had the door open. I took the keys and we drove home. No one the wiser that my 21 month old had just been locked in the car all alone, except for my keys, my plastic tubs, my new red sweater, my purse and my cell phone.    

Happy New Year

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year!

Family Quotations

I have a jolly old uncle in Cedar Creek, NC who is a lot of fun to be around.  He is a sweet man with a great sense of humor.  This is one of the things you might hear him say at a family gathering.  I’m not sure what it means….

The birds do it
The bees do it
Everybody ought to be able to do it
Anybody that can’t do it ought to be tied to it and made do it
Then, if they still can’t do it
Bring ‘em to me
I can do it
‘cuz I’m used to it

Other famous family quotations:

Grandma Ruby (Uncle Jackie’s mom)
”I loved him so much when I married him I could’ve eaten him.  Now I wished I had.”
(speaking of her beloved husband of over 60 years-with a slight bit of resentment)

“He can crack a nut with that tooth”
(still speaking of my Grandaddy Hoyt-who has slowly lost all but one tooth)