A Heart of Beauty

I'm selfish. I'm not the only one but this isn't working for me.

I'm angry. I don't want to hurt anyone but I want something to change.

I'm jealous. I'm glad you got it but I still want it.

I'm scared. I know it will be ok but it isn't right now.

I'm hurt. I don't want to blame anyone but you didn't have to say it.

I'm sad. I know time heals but I'm still waiting for that time.

I'm embarassed. I know you have worth but, please, not at my expense.



I'm sorry. I didn't get it but it hurt you.

I care. I know it's hard to believe but it's still true.

I'm hopeful. I know it seems very dark but

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Who's in Charge?

What does it mean to believe and to know that I (with God) am bigger than the circumstances around me?

It's not what it seems.
My understanding is limited.
It'll be ok.
So this is the good kind of pain.
I'm glad someone is bigger than me.
We can redefine this - together.
An opportunity to grow.
I'm not alone.

I conquered the forgotten password and user name!

Yeah! I'm back! It only took 4 hours of what would have been sleeping time and a new aol account to accomplish, but here I am! Yahoo! Now what?

Gas prices - be gone!

I hate the gas prices!!! One day I will have my vegetable oil powered vehicle and I will be the envy of the town because my car will always smell like french fries!!!! And I will live in my adobe/cob home made by own bare feet (and paid for by friends and family who find they value the relaxing and stress relieving qualities of mud stomping) and I will glean my electricity from windmills and solar panels. Yes, then the world will be right. But alas, my reality now is praying my car would make it to the gas station today as I glared at the orange pointer thingy way below "E". It's not that I didn't have the opportunity to get gas....just too stubborn to pay $2.89!!!! It reminds me of the time my grandfather refused to pay the $2 for his snuff. He was appalled at the price since he could remember the time half a century before when it was only a quarter. He refused to pay the $2 and he stole cigarettes from my Aunt and unrolled them and tried to dip them. He found this much less satisfying than his beloved snuff so he made a second trip to the store to cave in to the inflating consumer monster and bought his $2 snuff. So I caved and bought 3 gallons of gas today. I'm holding out for the price reduction due any minute...since that's how I want it to be.

I'm Holding Mine

I heard this on Writer's Almanac today. In the midst of the whirlwind of buying a house, I've been distracted. I finally clued in last week when my otherwise social butterfly toddler cried when I left her at a nursery. Later that afternoon she had a meltdown on her way to her Mimi and Papa's. She is not normally prone to separation anxiety...I had to evaluate what was going on. My only explanation was a distracted mom and dad seem to have taken its toll on her sense of security and well-being. Now I'm in repair and reassure mode. How can I get so distracted and forget how wonderful life is when I look her in her eyes and listen to her story. Or when Tom and I picnic outside in her fort, or swing at the park, or color, or just sit and read stories and sing our favorite songs?



Family Reunion

The divorced mother and her divorcing
daughter. The about-to-be ex-son-in-law
and the ex-husband's adopted son.
The divorcing daughter's child, who is

the step-nephew of the ex-husband's
adopted son. Everyone cordial:
the ex-husband's second wife
friendly to the first wife, warm

to the divorcing daughter's child's
great-grandmother, who was herself
long ago divorced. Everyone
grown used to the idea of divorce

Almost everyone has separated
from the landscape of childhood.
Collections of people in cities
are divorced from clean air and stars.

Toddlers in day care are parted
from working parents, schoolchildren
from the assumption of unbloodied
daylong safety. Old people die apart

from all they've gathered over time,
and in strange beds. Adults
grow estranged from a God
evidently divorced from history;

most are cut off from their own
histories, each of which waits
like a child left at day care.
What if you turned back for a moment

and put your arms around yours?
Yes, you might be late for work;
no, your history doesn't smell sweet
like a toddler's head. But look

at those small round wrists,
that short-legged, comical walk.
Caress your history—who else will?
Promise to come back later.

Pay attention when it asks you
simple questions: Where are we going?
Is it scary? What happened? Can
I have more now? Who is that?

still here

I'm still here and still thinking. Here are some of my recent thoughts based on a conversation with co-workers. The bold comments are things that I've heard "believers" (though I prefer the term Christ followers), say on occasion and my response to these comments. I often find myself frustrated in conversation because these thoughts are slow in coming. So, I've just decided to write these comments down as I hear them and as study time permits, start dissecting comments like this. My hope is that as I grow and learn, I will be ready to respond to others with the hope that I found in Christ with gentleness and respect.



We can’t change God’s mind, try to change God’s mind, it’s pointless to pray to try to change God’s mind. Can we change God’s mind?

We should be careful how we word our prayers. (I wouldn’t want to pray and hinder God’s second coming)

(comments made by church leadership concerning a church member's desire to pray for unity amongst believers and across denominational lines, as well as her desire to pray for the state of our country.)

Why? Can He not handle our prayers, right or wrong according to His will – or- maybe it’s not about what we pray as much as it is about our intentions when we pray. Is it possible that we can pray for ANYTHING we want, as long as we acknowledge that God may have other plans or purposes? For example, is it ok to pray for someone’s healing, even though it’s not God’s plan for them to be healed? How would we know the difference? Can we know the difference? Maybe sometimes, but maybe not always. What about when Paul speaks about the thorn in his flesh that he has asked God to remove and God chooses not to remove it (2 corth 12)…it’s that thing that makes God, God to Paul. It’s that thing that makes Paul rely on God rather than himself. It’s that thing that makes Paul recognize he is not the one in control and that he must rely on God’s grace. It’s the thing that makes Paul humble; it’s the thing that causes Paul to relinquish control.
We pray to know the heart of God because sometimes we don’t necessarily know what he would want for us. Not that He has not revealed His ways in scripture, but we are often ignorant of His ways. Isa. 55:6
We pray for His will to be done and revealed. (Matt. 6: 5-15)
Are our prayers or words in some way a threat to His plans? Can our prayers or words in some way ruin His plans? (I believe it’s not our prayers but our actions; the intent of our heart, not truly desiring His will.)
Is it possible to pray for the wrong thing if our hearts are truly seeking His will?
If it’s possible to pray for the wrong thing, is it possible for God to reveal to us that we are praying for the wrong thing?
Is it ever wrong to pray for unity in the church or healing for the nation(s)? Side note, personal opinion: I can’t ignore the fact that Christ’s ministry was about reconciliation of all things to God the Father, which it would seem would also be our ministry.
The two greatest commandments ( Matt 22: 34-40) are:
Love God
Love our neighbor

I wouldn’t want to pray and interfere with God’s second coming.

Is this possible? Can my prayer in some way hinder God’s will? How? Can my prayer in some way hinder God’s will if it’s my desire to serve Him and to do His will?

We give good gifts to our children hoping it’s right, how much more does our Father give to us? (Matt. 7:11) This scripture suggests to me that when we are asking with the intent to seek Him, whether our prayer is “right” or “wrong”, whether we use the “right” words or not, we can trust Him with the outcome.

The new covenant is made within us, not externally. The law is no longer on stone tablets, it’s written on our hearts. (Rom. 2: 15-16) We sometimes ask God for external circumstances and situations to change, but He is more concerned with what is going on with us internally (our hearts). Beth Moore, Believing God, Unit 3 DVD

It seems it’s so easy for us to forget the one thing that separates us from all other religions. That five letter word: GRACE (from C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, I think?)


What does is mean to take the Eucharist unworthily? Is it possible for one to take part each week or even several times a week and be pure of heart? Is it ok for children to participate?

1 Corth 10:

17-19Regarding this next item, I'm not at all pleased. I am getting the picture
that when you meet together it brings out your worst side instead of your
best!
First, I get this report on your divisiveness, competing with and
criticizing each other. I'm reluctant to believe it, but there it is.
The best that can be said for it is that the testing process will
bring truth into the open and confirm it. 20-22And then I find that you bring your divisions to worship—you come together, and instead of eating the Lord's Supper, you bring in a lot of food from the outside and make pigs of yourselves. Some are left out, and go home hungry. Others have to be carried out, too drunk to walk. I can't believe it! Don't you have your own homes to eat and drink in? Why would you stoop to desecrating God's church? Why would you actually shame God's poor? I never would have believed you would stoop to this. And I'm not going to stand by and say nothing. 23-26Let me go over with you again exactly what goes on in the Lord's Supper and why it is so centrally important. I received my instructions from the Master himself and passed them on to you. The Master, Jesus, on the night of his betrayal, took bread. Having given thanks, he broke it and said, This is my body, broken for you. Do this to remember me. After supper, he did the same thing with the cup: This cup is my blood, my new covenant with you. Each time you drink this cup, remember me.What you must solemnly realize is that every time you eat this bread and every time you drink this cup, you reenact in your words and actions the death of the Master. You will be drawn back to this meal again and again until the Master returns. You must never let familiarity breed contempt. 27-28Anyone who eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Master irreverently is like part of the crowd that jeered and spit on him at his death. Is that the kind of "remembrance" you want to be part of? Examine your motives, test your heart, come to this meal in holy awe. 29-32If you give no thought (or worse, don't care) about the broken body of the Master when you eat and drink, you're running the risk of serious consequences. That's why so many of you even now are listless and sick, and others have gone to an early grave. If we get this straight now, we won't have to be straightened out later on. Better to be confronted by the Master now than to face a fiery confrontation later. 33-34So, my friends, when you come together to the Lord's Table, be reverent and courteous with one another. If you're so hungry that you can't wait to be served, go home and get a sandwich. But by no means risk turning this Meal into an eating and drinking binge or a family squabble. It is a spiritual meal—a love feast.

§ It seems Paul is talking about a lifestyle and condition of the heart, rather than going through the motions of a religious action.
§ It sounds like this church body had a habit of mistreating one another and using and abusing themselves and one another (getting drunk, overeating, some going hungry, etc). vv.17-22
§ They brought their divisiveness to the table of communion which Paul basically says made a mockery of the Eucharist, mainly because even on the night Christ was betrayed He still showed kindness and love toward Judas (washing his feet-being a servant leader), which follows His commandment about loving our neighbor (Matt.22: 34-40) vv.23-28
§ Paul seems to say it’s a condition of our heart, he urges us to examine our motives. I kind of think the fact that one would be concerned about their heart and question their intent would make them worthy of participating because it would sound as though the individual is open to God revealing sin in their life and desiring to deal with whatever He reveals. Vv.27-28
§ It sounds as if he is even encouraging the members to set boundaries in their life in order to deal with themselves. It sounds as if he is encouraging them to set time aside to take inventory of themselves and deal with themselves in advance so they can come to the table in unity and love, or in Christ’s spirit. Vv. 33-34
§ It seems to me that a child’s innocence of their heart (not that they are perfect and would do no wrong) would exclude them from any harsh judgment about participating in the Eucharist. ( Matt. 18:3) Although I’m not entirely sure I understand this scripture reference.

Don't Settle for the Snake Oil

I heard a story the other day apparently from the book The Prayer of Jabez, part 2 (don't know the official title). Anyway, the paraphrased version is something like this: a married pastor sees a pretty girl at the airport and decides it's best if he avoids her. While trying various methods to avoid this beautiful woman, she repeatedly seems to "push" herself on him. He finally wears down and begins to walk up to a hotel room with this woman. As he opens the door, he remembers a "convenant handshake" he had given to an accountability group of some sort to remain morally pure. He finds the courage and strength to tell this woman to leave and he locks himself in his room the rest of the night.

Many things were going through my head as this story was told. It sounded as if this man was somehow being preyed upon by this woman and he was doing everything he could to avoid her and yet she was just to powerful. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but let's just say he really was being preyed upon. To me, the point isn't so much that he had this "convenant handshake" to remind him to stay pure - as it seemed to be presented. There's nothing wrong with something like this, but I think something is missing from the story if you rely on a mystical handshake to stay pure. I think it's important to go deeper than that. Like, what was it about his character and his heart that made him have to avoid the woman? Too many times I've relied on the mystical handshake to protect me from the "devil"... and too many times I've found myself wondering why the handshake didn't work. Lately, I've come to realize there's some pretty ugly stuff in my heart - more than I am and have ever been aware. And no matter how sacred I may intend this handshake to be, it doesn't touch the darkness in my heart. That sounds bad, and at times it is. But it's also good. It's good when I bring it honestly before God. It's good when I can admit to God that my own desires and plans are more important than God's deisres and plans for me. It's also good when I can honestly tell God I want Him to change my heart...because I don't know how. There are no instant cures to a heart condition. It's a long, hard, arduous journey...at least it is for me.

I Drive the General Lee

We have an intersection here that is more like a large bump in the road. It's a pretty busy intersection, so it's rare to pass through without having to slow down or stop. On the rare occassion I get to pass through without interference, my silver SUV becomes the General Lee...I fly through the intersection....a Dixieland horn trumpets...I wave my left hand out the window and I shout YAAAAHOOOO!!!!! in a most impressive Southern accent. For a moment...I'm a lawless rebel!!! It's the only time Bo and Luke ever come to mind...except when I get the urge to say Roscoe Pecoe Train over and over. I just think it sounds funny.