Yoga, Part 1

I’ve been regularly practicing yoga for about 4 years. A doctor recommended it to me after I went to him with general aches and pains as a result of jogging. In his words, “you know, you aren’t 17 anymore, why don’t you just try yoga?” The majority of my experience has been Gaiam videos from Target. I don’t consider myself a serious student, although I am faithful to the practice. I knew I was drawn to it and committed to it, but I didn’t realize how much the practice has influenced me until I went to the retreat.

This journaling is a compilation of thoughts shared by the teachers as well as my own thoughts.

We can see the practice of Yoga meshing with spirituality from two different vantage points on a continuum. The first would be “christianizing” yoga, the next would be evaluating my intentions and thus it becomes spiritual because my intentions are pure. I can relate to both vantage points; however I think I tend to value the second approach of intentions. It seems the first approach comes to the experience with a certain fear and doubt, a concern that one will be influenced by false teachings and thus be led astray. The second approaches the experience valuing the intention at which the practice is being tried or evaluated. The first takes the practice of yoga and adds scripture and prayers of meditations and the like. I am thinking this makes the practice more palatable and thus not something to be feared. The idea is that if it’s covered with Christianity or Jesus or scripture or prayers, then it is made Holy. The second uses the intention to bring one to a contemplative state for the soul to meet the mystery. The second embraces the idea that if it is already true and good, then it is Holy. This is something that Fr. Tom expressed

mmmm..chocolate coca-cola cake

Atlanta was such an awesome trip. It was difficult to leave Tom and Gracie, I cried as I pulled out of the driveway thinking about how much I would miss them and feeling anxious about the drive and really not knowing what to expect. I am so glad I trudged through those difficult moments and left. While I’m sure it doesn’t impress many people, I am darn proud of myself for driving to Atlanta alone. I gave myself a pat on the back each time another lane of traffic was added as I approached the city limits. I really enjoyed the entire 6 ½ hour drive. It was nice to have that much time to myself. Once I arrived at the monastery, a gate marked the entrance to the campus. It was so quiet and peaceful as I drove through the gates. Huge trees and a pond and a small garden invited contemplation. I walked into the guest house and was pleasantly greeted by Charlotte, a volunteer who gave me the key to my room. I arrived around 4 pm and vespers began at 5:30 with dinner immediately following. I unpacked and settled in and attended vespers. It was awkward, as I was unfamiliar with the service, but I truly enjoyed it. The dining room is silent, and so I ate in silence with 20 or so other guests. This too was a new experience for me. At first, I had a nervous grin as I sat down to eat, but by the end of the meal I was more comfortable. After dinner, we had orientation and our first yoga session at 6:30. During this time we met one another as well as the two leaders, Scott, a graduate student with a more traditional background of yoga who is studying how yoga and Christianity relate, and Dayna, an English teacher for 22 years who began instructing yoga about 3 or 4 years ago. We also met Fr. Tom Francis, 78, a monk for 54 years, who began studying yoga alone around 30 years ago when a Time magazine showed up at the Monastery with stick figures illustrating yoga poses. All three teachers worked incredibly well together. They had very different backgrounds and experiences and approaches to yoga that offered a well rounded opportunity for the rest of us.

After the retreat, I drove up to the North side of Atlanta to meet and visit with a friend. I really enjoyed the chance to “catch up” with Billie and we had a nice dinner. It rained all the way home on Monday, but for lunch I stopped in Montgomery at Cracker Barrel for sweet tea, baked chicken, cornbread stuffing, green beans and chocolate coca-cola cake and that made up for the rain.

my Amazing Grace

Feb. 23:
My beautiful daughter is 2 today. I love the opportunity to celebrate her life. I am so thankful for her life. It’s amazing to experience love the way I experience love with her. Most things in life we choose to love, but I don’t feel that way with her. I am compelled to love her. I can’t recall a time I chose to love her, it just always was. My love for her has changed, especially once she was born, but it has always been present. One of my fears of being a mom was that I would resent taking care of her. I was afraid I would resent getting up in the middle of the night to feed her or I would resent not getting to do things I wanted to do because I had to take care of her…kind of like it feels when as kids we have to watch our siblings instead of going out with friends or doing what we want to do. I’ve not ever felt that way with her. I’ve been frustrated when I’ve had to change plans, I’ve been extremely tired and would rather sleep than feed her, I’ve needed a break from her, but the love and joy and fulfillment she brought to my life doesn’t change. It’s my hope that each day I will cherish time with her and not take her for granted. She is such a gift – truly amazing. She’s my amazing Grace… in so many different ways.

The morning after my trip, she climbed into bed with me and Tom and sat between us. We rolled over to face her and said our good mornings. She settled herself between us so she could see our faces, and then she patted me on the leg and said “Mommy, I glad yo heuh… in de bed”, then she turned and patted Tom and said, “Daddy, I glad yo heuh… in de bed.” These are the moments of joy I couldn’t have imagined.

Nothing cheesecake won't cure....

My trip to Atlanta was all I had hoped for and more. I was only home a few hours before I began missing the Monastery. I was in a hurry to get home because I missed my family, but the opportunity to have time to myself was much needed. Time when no one was making demands on me and I felt free to do as I pleased. I tasted a freedom I want to live more in my daily life, not just when I drive 6 hours away and stay in a Monastery. I also challenged myself in new ways and I learned more than I expected about what the practice of yoga means to me. I was amazed by the knowledge of Fr. Tom Francis, one of the monks who taught us. I have gained a new respect for the traditions and history of the catholic church. I had great conversations with others, the type of conversation that I don't typically get to have in my day to day life. In the next couple of days, I am going to start posting journals from my trip.

Right now, I am struggling. I can be idealistic and I feel like I am being sucked back into a dark, dismal world that I don't want to be in. A world that controls me. Is it the "real" world, or just the world I've allowed to consume me? There are things in my life I don't like and now they are even more repulsive. I am asking myself how much do I change, what do I change, how do I change? Am I just too idealistic, or would I find more fulfillment in living my ideals? I feel like I am standing on a battle field and chaos and harm and anger are all around me and I am wondering if I should continue fighting or begin waving the white flag. A thought just occurred to me...vanilla cheescake from TGIFriday's might cure all of this.

What is the cost of communication?

Yeah! Connie from Lifeway called. I have a better understanding and found out their policy was more flexible than previously mentioned to me. I originally asked for clarification because I didn't understand their policy and the lack of flexibility indicated by the emails sent to me. It was so difficult to get this info...I almost gave up. Was it worth it? I don't know. I'd like to say yes because now I have a better understanding of the copyright laws, Connie thanked me for calling, so I guess she has a better understanding of my need for further explanation, I just don't like that it took so much effort. It was difficult to be patient, it didn't seem like something that required two weeks of email and phone tag.

Is it so difficult to explain why?

Well, I recently requested permission to copy some materials from Lifeway and they denied my request. I can accept that, but when I asked to have an explanation for the denial, they have totally avoided me. They have given blanket statements that are almost auto response like and it has been impossible to talk to someone in person. I would like to just give up and not inquire anymore, but now it comes down to principle. Being a person with a mind and will of my own, I think it is reasonable to ask the question “why?” It just seems like when this question is asked, and I would like to say I think I have been polite; one becomes a nuisance instead of the mindless robot that our consumerist, capitalistic society prefers. My husband says I am being difficult, but I like to think I am being myself and thinking for myself. I just asked “why?” what is difficult about that if you have a good reason and a good explanation? The fact that I am being avoided suggests to me that the policies are not flexible enough, or dialogue and discussion concerning the policies is not valued.