the frustrating life of a non-omnipotent being

A Heart of Beauty

2009-06-21T20:54:00.000-07:00

I'm selfish. I'm not the only one but this isn't working for me.

I'm angry. I don't want to hurt anyone but I want something to change.

I'm jealous. I'm glad you got it but I still want it.

I'm scared. I know it will be ok but it isn't right now.

I'm hurt. I don't want to blame anyone but you didn't have to say it.

I'm sad. I know time heals but I'm still waiting for that time.

I'm embarassed. I know you have worth but, please, not at my expense.

I'm sorry. I didn't get it but it hurt you.

I care. I know it's hard to believe but it's still true.

I'm hopeful. I know it seems very dark but

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Who's in Charge?

2009-05-01T20:08:00.000-07:00

What does it mean to believe and to know that I (with God) am bigger than the circumstances around me?

It's not what it seems.
My understanding is limited.
It'll be ok.
So this is the good kind of pain.
I'm glad someone is bigger than me.
We can redefine this - together.
An opportunity to grow.
I'm not alone.

I conquered the forgotten password and user name!

2009-02-18T21:14:00.001-08:00

Yeah! I'm back! It only took 4 hours of what would have been sleeping time and a new aol account to accomplish, but here I am! Yahoo! Now what?

Gas prices - be gone!

2007-04-11T14:09:00.000-07:00

I hate the gas prices!!! One day I will have my vegetable oil powered vehicle and I will be the envy of the town because my car will always smell like french fries!!!! And I will live in my adobe/cob home made by own bare feet (and paid for by friends and family who find they value the relaxing and stress relieving qualities of mud stomping) and I will glean my electricity from windmills and solar panels. Yes, then the world will be right. But alas, my reality now is praying my car would make it to the gas station today as I glared at the orange pointer thingy way below "E". It's not that I didn't have the opportunity to get gas....just too stubborn to pay $2.89!!!! It reminds me of the time my grandfather refused to pay the $2 for his snuff. He was appalled at the price since he could remember the time half a century before when it was only a quarter. He refused to pay the $2 and he stole cigarettes from my Aunt and unrolled them and tried to dip them. He found this much less satisfying than his beloved snuff so he made a second trip to the store to cave in to the inflating consumer monster and bought his $2 snuff. So I caved and bought 3 gallons of gas today. I'm holding out for the price reduction due any minute...since that's how I want it to be.

I'm Holding Mine

2007-04-05T20:13:00.000-07:00

I heard this on Writer's Almanac today. In the midst of the whirlwind of buying a house, I've been distracted. I finally clued in last week when my otherwise social butterfly toddler cried when I left her at a nursery. Later that afternoon she had a meltdown on her way to her Mimi and Papa's. She is not normally prone to separation anxiety...I had to evaluate what was going on. My only explanation was a distracted mom and dad seem to have taken its toll on her sense of security and well-being. Now I'm in repair and reassure mode. How can I get so distracted and forget how wonderful life is when I look her in her eyes and listen to her story. Or when Tom and I picnic outside in her fort, or swing at the park, or color, or just sit and read stories and sing our favorite songs?

Family Reunion

The divorced mother and her divorcing
daughter. The about-to-be ex-son-in-law
and the ex-husband's adopted son.
The divorcing daughter's child, who is

the step-nephew of the ex-husband's
adopted son. Everyone cordial:
the ex-husband's second wife
friendly to the first wife, warm

to the divorcing daughter's child's
great-grandmother, who was herself
long ago divorced. Everyone
grown used to the idea of divorce

Almost everyone has separated
from the landscape of childhood.
Collections of people in cities
are divorced from clean air and stars.

Toddlers in day care are parted
from working parents, schoolchildren
from the assumption of unbloodied
daylong safety. Old people die apart

from all they've gathered over time,
and in strange beds. Adults
grow estranged from a God
evidently divorced from history;

most are cut off from their own
histories, each of which waits
like a child left at day care.
What if you turned back for a moment

and put your arms around yours?
Yes, you might be late for work;
no, your history doesn't smell sweet
like a toddler's head. But look

at those small round wrists,
that short-legged, comical walk.
Caress your history—who else will?
Promise to come back later.

Pay attention when it asks you
simple questions: Where are we going?
Is it scary? What happened? Can
I have more now? Who is that?

still here

2007-02-16T10:11:00.000-08:00

I'm still here and still thinking. Here are some of my recent thoughts based on a conversation with co-workers. The bold comments are things that I've heard "believers" (though I prefer the term Christ followers), say on occasion and my response to these comments. I often find myself frustrated in conversation because these thoughts are slow in coming. So, I've just decided to write these comments down as I hear them and as study time permits, start dissecting comments like this. My hope is that as I grow and learn, I will be ready to respond to others with the hope that I found in Christ with gentleness and respect.

We can’t change God’s mind, try to change God’s mind, it’s pointless to pray to try to change God’s mind. Can we change God’s mind?

We should be careful how we word our prayers. (I wouldn’t want to pray and hinder God’s second coming)

(comments made by church leadership concerning a church member's desire to pray for unity amongst believers and across denominational lines, as well as her desire to pray for the state of our country.)

Why? Can He not handle our prayers, right or wrong according to His will – or- maybe it’s not about what we pray as much as it is about our intentions when we pray. Is it possible that we can pray for ANYTHING we want, as long as we acknowledge that God may have other plans or purposes? For example, is it ok to pray for someone’s healing, even though it’s not God’s plan for them to be healed? How would we know the difference? Can we know the difference? Maybe sometimes, but maybe not always. What about when Paul speaks about the thorn in his flesh that he has asked God to remove and God chooses not to remove it (2 corth 12)…it’s that thing that makes God, God to Paul. It’s that thing that makes Paul rely on God rather than himself. It’s that thing that makes Paul recognize he is not the one in control and that he must rely on God’s grace. It’s the thing that makes Paul humble; it’s the thing that causes Paul to relinquish control.
We pray to know the heart of God because sometimes we don’t necessarily know what he would want for us. Not that He has not revealed His ways in scripture, but we are often ignorant of His ways. Isa. 55:6
We pray for His will to be done and revealed. (Matt. 6: 5-15)
Are our prayers or words in some way a threat to His plans? Can our prayers or words in some way ruin His plans? (I believe it’s not our prayers but our actions; the intent of our heart, not truly desiring His will.)
Is it possible to pray for the wrong thing if our hearts are truly seeking His will?
If it’s possible to pray for the wrong thing, is it possible for God to reveal to us that we are praying for the wrong thing?
Is it ever wrong to pray for unity in the church or healing for the nation(s)? Side note, personal opinion: I can’t ignore the fact that Christ’s ministry was about reconciliation of all things to God the Father, which it would seem would also be our ministry.
The two greatest commandments ( Matt 22: 34-40) are:
Love God
Love our neighbor

I wouldn’t want to pray and interfere with God’s second coming.

Is this possible? Can my prayer in some way hinder God’s will? How? Can my prayer in some way hinder God’s will if it’s my desire to serve Him and to do His will?

We give good gifts to our children hoping it’s right, how much more does our Father give to us? (Matt. 7:11) This scripture suggests to me that when we are asking with the intent to seek Him, whether our prayer is “right” or “wrong”, whether we use the “right” words or not, we can trust Him with the outcome.

The new covenant is made within us, not externally. The law is no longer on stone tablets, it’s written on our hearts. (Rom. 2: 15-16) We sometimes ask God for external circumstances and situations to change, but He is more concerned with what is going on with us internally (our hearts). Beth Moore, Believing God, Unit 3 DVD

It seems it’s so easy for us to forget the one thing that separates us from all other religions. That five letter word: GRACE (from C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, I think?)

What does is mean to take the Eucharist unworthily? Is it possible for one to take part each week or even several times a week and be pure of heart? Is it ok for children to participate?

1 Corth 10:

17-19Regarding this next item, I'm not at all pleased. I am getting the picture
that when you meet together it brings out your worst side instead of your
best!
First, I get this report on your divisiveness, competing with and
criticizing each other. I'm reluctant to believe it, but there it is.
The best that can be said for it is that the testing process will
bring truth into the open and confirm it. 20-22And then I find that you bring your divisions to worship—you come together, and instead of eating the Lord's Supper, you bring in a lot of food from the outside and make pigs of yourselves. Some are left out, and go home hungry. Others have to be carried out, too drunk to walk. I can't believe it! Don't you have your own homes to eat and drink in? Why would you stoop to desecrating God's church? Why would you actually shame God's poor? I never would have believed you would stoop to this. And I'm not going to stand by and say nothing. 23-26Let me go over with you again exactly what goes on in the Lord's Supper and why it is so centrally important. I received my instructions from the Master himself and passed them on to you. The Master, Jesus, on the night of his betrayal, took bread. Having given thanks, he broke it and said, This is my body, broken for you. Do this to remember me. After supper, he did the same thing with the cup: This cup is my blood, my new covenant with you. Each time you drink this cup, remember me.What you must solemnly realize is that every time you eat this bread and every time you drink this cup, you reenact in your words and actions the death of the Master. You will be drawn back to this meal again and again until the Master returns. You must never let familiarity breed contempt. 27-28Anyone who eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Master irreverently is like part of the crowd that jeered and spit on him at his death. Is that the kind of "remembrance" you want to be part of? Examine your motives, test your heart, come to this meal in holy awe. 29-32If you give no thought (or worse, don't care) about the broken body of the Master when you eat and drink, you're running the risk of serious consequences. That's why so many of you even now are listless and sick, and others have gone to an early grave. If we get this straight now, we won't have to be straightened out later on. Better to be confronted by the Master now than to face a fiery confrontation later. 33-34So, my friends, when you come together to the Lord's Table, be reverent and courteous with one another. If you're so hungry that you can't wait to be served, go home and get a sandwich. But by no means risk turning this Meal into an eating and drinking binge or a family squabble. It is a spiritual meal—a love feast.

§ It seems Paul is talking about a lifestyle and condition of the heart, rather than going through the motions of a religious action.
§ It sounds like this church body had a habit of mistreating one another and using and abusing themselves and one another (getting drunk, overeating, some going hungry, etc). vv.17-22
§ They brought their divisiveness to the table of communion which Paul basically says made a mockery of the Eucharist, mainly because even on the night Christ was betrayed He still showed kindness and love toward Judas (washing his feet-being a servant leader), which follows His commandment about loving our neighbor (Matt.22: 34-40) vv.23-28
§ Paul seems to say it’s a condition of our heart, he urges us to examine our motives. I kind of think the fact that one would be concerned about their heart and question their intent would make them worthy of participating because it would sound as though the individual is open to God revealing sin in their life and desiring to deal with whatever He reveals. Vv.27-28
§ It sounds as if he is even encouraging the members to set boundaries in their life in order to deal with themselves. It sounds as if he is encouraging them to set time aside to take inventory of themselves and deal with themselves in advance so they can come to the table in unity and love, or in Christ’s spirit. Vv. 33-34
§ It seems to me that a child’s innocence of their heart (not that they are perfect and would do no wrong) would exclude them from any harsh judgment about participating in the Eucharist. ( Matt. 18:3) Although I’m not entirely sure I understand this scripture reference.

Don't Settle for the Snake Oil

2006-10-09T19:32:00.000-07:00

I heard a story the other day apparently from the book The Prayer of Jabez, part 2 (don't know the official title). Anyway, the paraphrased version is something like this: a married pastor sees a pretty girl at the airport and decides it's best if he avoids her. While trying various methods to avoid this beautiful woman, she repeatedly seems to "push" herself on him. He finally wears down and begins to walk up to a hotel room with this woman. As he opens the door, he remembers a "convenant handshake" he had given to an accountability group of some sort to remain morally pure. He finds the courage and strength to tell this woman to leave and he locks himself in his room the rest of the night.

Many things were going through my head as this story was told. It sounded as if this man was somehow being preyed upon by this woman and he was doing everything he could to avoid her and yet she was just to powerful. I'm not sure how I feel about this, but let's just say he really was being preyed upon. To me, the point isn't so much that he had this "convenant handshake" to remind him to stay pure - as it seemed to be presented. There's nothing wrong with something like this, but I think something is missing from the story if you rely on a mystical handshake to stay pure. I think it's important to go deeper than that. Like, what was it about his character and his heart that made him have to avoid the woman? Too many times I've relied on the mystical handshake to protect me from the "devil"... and too many times I've found myself wondering why the handshake didn't work. Lately, I've come to realize there's some pretty ugly stuff in my heart - more than I am and have ever been aware. And no matter how sacred I may intend this handshake to be, it doesn't touch the darkness in my heart. That sounds bad, and at times it is. But it's also good. It's good when I bring it honestly before God. It's good when I can admit to God that my own desires and plans are more important than God's deisres and plans for me. It's also good when I can honestly tell God I want Him to change my heart...because I don't know how. There are no instant cures to a heart condition. It's a long, hard, arduous journey...at least it is for me.

I Drive the General Lee

2006-10-09T19:02:00.000-07:00

We have an intersection here that is more like a large bump in the road. It's a pretty busy intersection, so it's rare to pass through without having to slow down or stop. On the rare occassion I get to pass through without interference, my silver SUV becomes the General Lee...I fly through the intersection....a Dixieland horn trumpets...I wave my left hand out the window and I shout YAAAAHOOOO!!!!! in a most impressive Southern accent. For a moment...I'm a lawless rebel!!! It's the only time Bo and Luke ever come to mind...except when I get the urge to say Roscoe Pecoe Train over and over. I just think it sounds funny.

Injustice in Columbia

2006-09-18T12:44:00.000-07:00

I am truly despondent right now. I was just talking with a Compassion Representative who informed me that the project where our child is located is closing. We have sponsered Johnis for the last 10 years and in my mind I was dedicated to see him through. I had hopes of even helping sponsor higher education for him. I can't tell you how sad I am. What makes this story so sad is that Compassion tells me that it is very rare and with much despair that they choose to close a project. They have church partnerships through which they funnel the money to the communities and the families. The local churches are accountable for the funds that come to them. Because Johnis' church has lacked leadership and accountability for many months and because the church has had high turnover, Compassion decided to close the program. The representative was basically implying the leadership in Johnis' community (Columbia)could not be trusted by Compassion and probably wasn't trusted by the community either. The rep said since Compassion sets up projects in impoverished places and then funnels money to communities, the temptation to abuse the funds is present so it's vital that they have trusted church partnerships. In order to maintain integrity for Compassion International and their sponsors, they take a tough love stance which means they sometimes close projects.

What I am sick about in all of this is that the children are the ones who suffer. I totally understand and support Compassion's decision. I am sitting here wondering what Johnis and the other children in his community are going through. I am wondering what the families are going through. A program that brought hope and education and opportunity to their community is leaving. Who will help them? How do you help them? Are they Ok? Are they as disappointed as I am? Will Johnis be OK?

I am crying. I am sad. Is God going to take care of Johnis and his community? Will they be ok (as I define Ok)? What do I do? My feelings want to doubt God, but at the same time, I believe that I can trust Him. I believe that he has a purpose and a plan and that I don't have to understand it...

I can send a final letter and a final monetary gift. What do I say?

Developing Thoughts on Truth

2006-09-12T18:17:00.000-07:00

The other day I heard an interview with Barbara Brown on NPR's Fresh Air. At one point she said something to the effect of, "There are so many different views and experiences with religion, for anyone to claim that they know truth, that truth is absolute is not possible". Maybe I'm a little uninformed or slow, but that was the first time I have ever heard anyone publicly, actually say there is no such thing as absolute truth. I stopped breathing for a moment when I heard her say it. It was even a moment where I wondered if I actually heard what I thought I did.

Here are my thought processes about her statements:

This statement seems contradictory to me. Isn't she claiming an absolute truth by saying absolute truth is not possible? The problem is defining what is truth and what is absolute truth. Is truth facts or is truth a person.

What do I believe about absolute truth? As a Christian, I believe absolute truth exists, I believe that absolute truth is Jesus.

Do I think that I know truth?
No one knows Truth...because we are not Truth. The best we can do is establish a growing relationship with the one who is Truth...hoping to learn and grow in the knowledge of Truth. We don't know Truth as a set of facts, we know Truth as a person and so we are learning Truth through a relationship.

10 Years!!!

2006-09-07T14:16:00.000-07:00

Tom and I celebrate 10 years of marriage today!!! That's a long time!!! We have a friend who often says, "nothing worthwhile is ever easy." While there are times it's not easy, the work is worth it. We have the opportunity to help and observe each other grow. We can see the work God's growing process has done in each of our lives; we have first hand experience with one another.

Well, as I'm trying to type something meaningful, my beautiful 2 1/2 year old daughter is running around stark naked and Lucy Boy has jumped up in my lap and decided that right now is the moment she needs attention.

Anyway, 10 years is a long time!

Let me be... (me)

2006-08-25T13:38:00.000-07:00

I believe that Truth is Truth. I also believe that Truth is a person. So, Truth may come in many different ways or from different places, but the source never changes - whether we acknowledge the source or not. I acknowledge the source as the Triune God, God the Father, God the Son (Jesus) and God the Holy Spirit.

As one believer to another it's so easy to play the "I have answers" role and so much more difficult to play the "God has given you the Spirit of Truth, His Spirit - you use it", or the "listening" role, or the "asking questions to help clarify" role. It's even harder to step back and allow one another to make our own decisions, whether we agree with the decisions we make or not. Not only that, but then we watch and see the consequences of our decisions unfold (good or bad). At what point, or is there ever a point, where one advises? Maybe part of this dilemma is discernment? Not the kind of "discernment" that approaches things as though there is only good or bad and God has imparted me with the knowledge for you of what is good and bad. But the kind of discernment that, with humility, recognizes we don't have answers. It's often not clearly black and white and so we must not be afraid to discuss, to dialog to converse with one another and trust God's timing and plan, without an understanding. It's in this place that God is clearly God and we clearly are not; it's finding humility in our limitations, letting go of control, trusting God knows what is best for us and we do not - although we want to and although we often think we do; after all, that is our nature.

Take 2

2006-08-17T13:49:00.000-07:00

The problem I have with blogging is that I often use it like a journal and so I’m constantly shaping and changing and adjusting what I think, the same as many other bloggers. I sometimes avoid reading my past blogs because I know I’ve probably changed my point of view on some things and would now disagree with what I’ve written in the past. Then, I feel embarrassed because I shared an intimate thought with the blogging world, and now I don’t even agree with it…but no one else knows that, only I do. This is the dilemma of a people pleasing blogger. I also get excited about what I’m thinking about and just start typing. The problem is that what makes sense to me at that moment later reads like a jumbled mess of thoughts. So, here is take two of Who is my god, not God , an attempt to clarify a previously jumbled mess:

Is it ever OK to lie? Is it ever good to lie? I was asking myself this question while reading about Rahab the other day. It surprised me because I live by the standard that “honesty is the best policy”. I was confused because Rahab’s story (see Joshua 2) is about how she hid the Israelite spies and then lied about it and betrayed her country… and yet she is found faithful in Heb. 11. Not only that, she is a part of Jesus' genealogy. What is her significance? What made her faithful enough (if there is such a thing) to be listed among Abraham and Isaac and Moses?

Here is my conclusion: I believe she was found faithful not because she lied, but in spite of her lying. She decided to lie because she believed that there was only one God, and that God was the God of the Israelites. He was the Sovereign, Most High God and so her life and actions and decisions were based on that belief. Dan Allender said at a conference once that each of us live with about 5 core beliefs. He said these beliefs are often tacit, but that we often hold these beliefs truer than God. I'm beginning to think that since our beliefs are what drive our behavior, our beliefs are our god (not to be confused with God). So, part of the journey is asking ourselves what beliefs we hold truer than God. This is scary. If we ask, we might find out. If we find out, we might have to make changes, we might have to confront ourselves.

And another thought: I’m not so sure there was anything extraordinarily significant about Rahab…she was one of us…that’s the point, too.

2006-08-10T20:29:00.000-07:00

It's the Prayer, not the Panties!!!

(Title of my future book.)

2006-08-09T13:58:00.000-07:00

What little I know of the situation, I think Israel is a little over kill.

It's August!

2006-08-09T13:33:00.000-07:00

I just noticed that I haven't blogged anything for August yet so here it is.

2006-07-28T20:15:00.000-07:00

Can someone please explain the Flaming Lips...they frighten me!

Still not omnipotent

2006-07-25T11:50:00.000-07:00

It's always good to learn you're okay with eminent death. We had a not so intense thunder storm yesterday, just a little rain and wind and thunder. My daughter was taking a nap in her room and I was reading. At one point, I heard these strange rumblings that kept building on top of each other, it sounded like a series of explosions. We also live in a military town with several military bases nearby. It's not unusual to hear them testing bombs and such or having exercises and so hear moaning guns (my technical term) firing and such. Nearly every day C-130's or jets fly overhead. Sometimes, these C-130's fly low enough they sound as if they are about to crash into the house, and on occasion, we hear sonic booms from the jets. I can only remember 3 such sonic booms and every time I hear them I expect to see a mushroom cloud and a storm of fire and debris and heat rushing to consume me at any moment. You know, like those scenes from the movies where people are turned to ash in a moment. Anyway, I heard these strange rumblings and this was my thought process:
--Rumbling--:
"Is that thunder? I've never heard it sound like that before. It sounds really strange. Is it the base? It doesn't sound like the base and they don't usually explode things when it's raining. Hmmm, what is it?
--More rumbling--
Hmm, I wonder if the North Koreans have finally launched something and it actually hit us? Well, nothing I can do about it. If I die, I die.

Of all the times I worry about life, my husband and daughter...why is it that in a moment of thinking this could be the end of my life, I simply say, "oh, well, not much I can do about it." Why is it only in these extreme moments is it so easy for me to recognize my limitations and accept that something bigger than me is in control?

Don't ever let her cut your hair...

2006-07-10T13:53:00.000-07:00

Last week while my husband was on a youth trip, I had the task of taking Lucy boy, (as she is known by our toddler) our silky terrier rescue from the pound, to her annual vet appointment, which is not typically a big deal, but just days earlier she had been groomed. I wasn't entirely satisfied with how the professional groomers had cut her, so I thought I could try to just clean things up a bit. It started out innocent, just trimming her beard and the hair above her eyes. Then, the scissors went wild, they just kept snipping and snipping until, well, as my husband puts it, our cute terrier ended up with a doggie mullet. Her muzzle and forehead were nearly shaved. My husband came home from work that afternoon and looked at me and asked what happened to her. He said he walked in the door speaking to her as always and when she looked up at him all he could do was grimace in horror. The next day, she was scheduled for her vet appointment. I wanted to cancel it, but then I decided if they commented about her hair, I would blame my husband since he wouldn't be there and couldn't defend himself. The appointment seemed to be going smoothly until the vet, who looked incredibly young, asked Lucy boy, "who cut your hair?" Ashamed at my handiwork and ashamed to blame my innocent husband, I confessed it was me. She laughed (which I was slightly offended) and said, "good, I thought maybe she was being shaved and moved or jerked and the groomer did a poor job of fixing it. I wasn't gonna reccommend that groomer to anyone." Then she glanced at my daughter laughing and said, "don't ever let mom cut your hair." Then, it got worse, the assistant came in the room and asked the same question to Lucy, to which the vet said, "it was someone in this room and it wasn't me and they are over the age of five." The assistant laughed and said, "oh, I thought your daughter might have gotten a hold of scissors." I'm glad that day is over...

Summer Camp

2006-07-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

Tom just got back from the second of three youth camps scheduled this summer. I stayed home with our little toddler of joy. I was so encouraged and impressed by the things the adult leaders and youth were saying when they got back. The adults and youth had a chance to share with the congregation last night about the meaningful experiences they had on the trip. It was exciting to hear adults praising and encouraging the youth. They thought the youth were considerate, models of servants and just a great group all around. They were not complainers or whiners or lazy, they were willing to take on uncomfortable challenges and situations and make the best of them. The adults noticed this. How awesome is that!? It seems to me that youth typically don't get credit for who they are or who they can be, so it was awesome to hear adults really notice the best of these youth! The youth shared how they were stretched to do things that were uncomfortable for them and that they were glad they did. They shared about how much they enjoyed being able to serve others and learning what it means to truly love others and build unity. This is my paraphrase, but I'm not exaggerating! On this eight day trip, they cleared land (poison ivy and all) for a future children's home, painted, cleaned and made repairs to a shelter for mentally ill/handicap elderly homeless people (run by Ms. Vera, an elderly woman herself) as well as spent time playing Bingo and talking to the people at the shelter. It was a stretch for many of them, but they were up to the challenge! I am truly proud of them and grateful for their giving hearts...I was challenged to grow listening to their stories.

I also have to mention that I am proud and grateful for my husband's dedication. He has worked with this group for almost ten years, he has grown with them and it's neat to see how time and energy and self sacrafice and the grace of God grows others. The congregation thanked Tom, which is always a little awkward and uncomfortable, but it was also nice to know they notice not just his committment and efforts, but his committment and efforts only possible by the work of the Spirit in him, so it's a thanks to God.

2006-06-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

"Religion is about dogma, beliefs. Faith is about experience. With religion, it's all settled. With faith, it's an adventure. You remain open to the spirit, to revelation wherever you find it." --Bill Moyers in an article about his new series, "Bill Moyers on Faith and Reason"

The Parent Conspiracy

2006-06-13T08:40:00.000-07:00

Us Stewart women, (mom, older and younger sisters, new sister-in-law and myself) went out Friday for a girls' night out. En route to Angler's on the Island (one of my favorite restaurants), my mom and sister were discussing their schedules and appointments. At one point, my mom realized she would need help transporting my dad to a doctor's appointment. When it appeared I would be the one to take my dad, I commented with great enthusiasm, "So, I get to take my dad to a colonoscopy!" My mom replied in that affectionate, loving, nurturing way mom's have (and laughing as if she always planned it this way), "Well, you better get used to it! You have aging parents and you're in for a lot worse!"

Well, I suppose it's the least I can do after all they've done!

Oh! Hahaha... Speaking of Dad... I owe him a huge !!!Congratulations!!! For finally landing a job he's wanted for years! He is an example of persistence and determination!

The Venus and The Prowler

2006-06-10T00:07:00.000-07:00

Here's the kayak I want. Cool, huh? This is the one Tom wants...The Prowler, manly, huh?

NO, i'm not a man...

2006-06-09T23:48:00.000-07:00

I answered the phone yesterday, saying the typical "Hello?" The person on the other end asked if they were speaking to Mr. Thomas West the IV. I said, "no your not" and they said thanks and hung up.

2006-06-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

Anyone have comments on Spiritual Directors? I'm researching this training, but don't really know much.

Character Development

2006-06-06T21:26:00.000-07:00

This list started out as a sort of contract and guideline for expected behaviors in our home. We are trying to learn how to be parents who deal with the heart issues and developing character rather than just reacting to behaviors. As I was compiling and typing the list, I realized Tom and I need these guidelines posted as much for our own character development as we do for Gracie's growth. I began thinking I'm in the same boat as my daughter, we're in this together and she is watching me and how I live out these traits...and I've got plenty of room to improve. Thankfully, it's not about controlling and demanding, it's about love and discipline for the sake of growth for each of us.

OBEDIENCE: doing what someone says, right away, without being reminded

HONOR: treating people as special, doing more than what’s expected, and having a good attitude

PERSEVERANCE: hanging in there even after you feel like quitting

ATTENTIVENESS: showing people you love them be looking at them when they say their words

PATIENCE: waiting with a happy heart

SELF-DISCIPLINE: putting off present rewards for future benefits

GRATEFULNESS: being thankful for the things I have instead of grumbling about the things I don’t have

RESPECT: showing high regard for authority, for other people, for self, for property. Valuing all people as God’s creation.

COURAGE: Doing the right thing even when those around you don’t and following your conscience instead of the crowd.

HONESTY: Telling the truth, admitting wrong doing.

KINDNESS: Being helpful and understanding to others. Showing understanding of others by showing them care, compassion, friendship, generosity and a forgiving spirit. Treating others better than yourself.

RESPONSIBILITY: Being accountable and dependable in word and deed.

GOOD JUDGMENT: Basing decisions on wisdom, choosing worthy goals and setting proper priorities. Thinking through the consequences of your actions.

When Disciplining, (incomplete list):

1. Ask “why was that wrong?” at the end of discipline. Not to lecture, but to look at the heart issue.

2. Empathy communicates love, while at the same time allows the child to accept responsibility for the problem. Empathy validates the emotions a child is experiencing even though the actions that come out of these emotions may need correction. Demonstrating your love while your child learns from experience.

3. Pray!!!!, and especially when feeling at a loss for how to handle a situation.

4. Be angry, but take the time to step outside of the moment and plan a response instead of reacting.

5. Don’t forget to ignore certain behaviors when dealing with power struggles.

New Perspective

2006-05-29T19:25:00.000-07:00

I've been contemplating and becoming more aware of the idea that the process of learning is far more valuable than the outcome. This means to me that our failures hold value as much as our successes hold value. The point isn't necessairily to reach an expected end or destination or desirable outcome. The point is the process, the learning, the journey. Each failure is an opportunity to learn, to grow. If I can embrace the pain of failure, I embrace my humanity and depend on one who is greater. This seems to be a theme surfacing over and over lately...in different parts of my life.

For instance, in teaching math to struggling students, I am constantly challenged to come up with a new way of explaining 2+2=4. The challenge for me is being perceptive and aware of each students abilities and struggles in order to come up with a way to explain or teach or help them experience a new concept. This year, I worked with Dr. Penry, a wonderful woman, who taught me a few things about learning. She taught me that learning takes place in 3 stages. First is the concrete, then representational, then abstract. First children need to play with manipulatives and put two blocks together with two blocks and see that it makes four (concrete). Then they draw pictures in their notebooks of two blocks with two blocks and see that is four (representational). Finally, we use the abstract symbols 2+2=4 and likely understand what they mean because we've already experienced it. Often when we are struggling with a concept, one of these stages was missed in our learning process. At each stage, the students are practicing the new concept and likely along the way, it was trial and error. Each situation that didn't work gave new insights to find what might work.

Yoga is the same way. The pose isn't the point. It's becoming aware of our breathing and our abilities and challenges to the pose and working with and within our limitations. It's being and centering in the moment.

It also seems I am relating this idea to my own life journey as a Christian. The purpose of this journey we are on is to become like Christ. To know Him. I come to the world mostly ignorant of this and life is sorting it out (with guidance from the Holy Spirit). Sanctification or working out my salvation takes t-i-m-e and trial and error and mistakes and failures and lack of understanding and despair and loneliness and discipline and learning to take responsibility and it also includes moments of clarity, growth, and new trust.

The process is O.K.

She's beautiful, inside and out

2006-05-29T19:05:00.000-07:00

I'm diggin' the mom thing. Gracie (2yrs. and 3 months) said the blessing at dinner tonight. I asked her if she wanted to pray, and we held hands and she (on her own) began to say, "Thank you God for mommy and daddy and ....(other stuff)....and thank you for a good day at the beach, AMEN." I was teary eyed by the end. I love these sweet encouragers.

2006-05-29T18:50:00.000-07:00

I've been gearing up for hurricane season. This is such a pain! I used to not even concern myself with hurricane season. For several years I didn't realize hurricanes hit my area...we never had any threats. Now, I am a little anxious anticipating the season. So, we prepare as best we can and wait.

Any thoughts?

2006-05-21T12:17:00.000-07:00

Any opinions on this? This may seem shallow or obvious to some, but it's a question running through my mind. I think I know what I think, but I'm curious to know what others think.

What if your motive is to choose to follow Christ's teachings because you believe obeying them is what brings an abundant life? Is this a self-centered attitude, or is that too much analyzing? Or is it more just because God is God and I'm not? Or is it a combination or balance of the two?

The Perfect Storm

2006-05-18T19:50:00.000-07:00

Tom is sick today. He's had an upset stomach all day. He is rarely sick, but stomach viruses seem to be what typically stops him. I am sad for him. Gracie and I tried to give him time for peace and quite, so we went out. We had lunch at the park and dinner at Friday's...so as not to have the aroma of food in the house. We've had beautiful weather lately, not too hot, not too humid, gusty breezes, so the park was really enjoyable. We had a picnic lunch and played on the playground and tossed leaves and sticks into the water. We had a nice time.

For dinner we had a "girls' night out" at Friday's. We sat in a little booth together. Honestly, I went to Friday's telling myself, "if it gets bad, just leave"! I didn't expect to enjoy the dinner because we seem to be "butting heads" these last couple of days. From what I've read, it's not uncommon for children to cycle through phases of sweetness... when everything seems to be roses, and phases of constant challenge...when you start wondering what happened. Like you suspect your child was abducted by aliens in the middle of the night and switched with an evil twin or something. We seem to be dealing with the alien evil twin these days. For her, these are typically related to a lack of adequate sleep (both tot and parent), teething, a growth spurt, or just because. Her latest goal seems to be to consistently do the opposite of a parental request...no matter how creatively it's presented and requested. I'm running low on patience and this greatly effects my desire and opportunity to be creative. I find myself thinking "you should obey me just because and that's it!" The great thing about her is that she is two and hardly comprehends my gravitation toward dogmatic thinking and my expectation of blind obedience, so she rarely complies. This leaves me having to deal with myself...blechhh! What's worse, is that the very thing I want to demand from her is the very thing with which I wrestle with God. I don't always want to obey Him or His commands, I don't want to trust Him, and yet, He is consistently patient and generous with grace. Not grace that lets me get away with my selfish behavior, but grace that gently teaches and guides me back with correction. Well, I gave myself a little pep talk and thankfully and not using my own strength, dinner was a lot of fun. The best part was when she laughed her special laugh. You know, the one when you can tell kids are really tickeled, when they think you're the funniest thing on earth. These are rare laughs, they usually take you by surprise, but you feel so proud because you got a genuine, belly laugh from a two year old.

It was a nice way to end the day Tom labeled "the perfect storm". I'm moody, Gracie is two, and he is sick in the bed. He very sweetly suggested giving me a break on Saturday, an opportunity to renew myself with some alone time. Reflection is good for the soul, but so are the trenches. I feel weak inside and haven't been able to maintain a consistent problem solving mindset. Instead, it's my emotional, tantrum throwing mindset that seems to be getting center stage. I find myself in constant prayer and repentence and regrouping. As I told Tom, "at some point, I've got to learn to live with myself." I need this...I need the challenge of giving and serving when all that is within me wants to take and hoard. At the same time, God places people in the body for the very reason we need each other to function. We can balance each other. So, I will find comfort in taking what I need as well, because that's ok too.

BTW, "Brownie Obsession" is the most incredible brownie I've ever had. My brother suggested it and I reluctantly thought, "a brownie is a brownie". Now I find myself thinking, "what will I do if they take this off the menu? Could I survive such a catastrophe?" Take my food, clothing and shelter, but not my chocolate!!!

Hope you feel better soon, hun :)

Cute & Sassy

2006-05-11T07:42:00.000-07:00

Lights on the Unseen

2006-05-07T23:59:00.000-07:00

Can I just tell you that I just absolutely, positively, undeniably, LOVE this CD. It takes a lot for me to truly be moved by music. I like all kinds of music, but it's rare that I find music that resonates so much with me. When I listen to this CD, it's as if the music is my song. Like he somehow tapped into my idea of the perfect music. I love Chris Taylor's poetic lyrics and even the poetry and story of his music. This definitely will be a forever all time favorite. He opened for a Derek Webb concert in Panama City in January. I loved his set of three songs. After the first song I had already decided to buy his CD. I had an opportunity to share with him how much I enjoyed his set, and his personality was just as pleasant as his music. He also has a great wife, Gileah. I am not typically so passionate about the music I listen to, but I find myself passionate about this. I think YOU is my favorite song.

God is still God

2006-05-07T22:31:00.000-07:00

A further reflection on "I will be OK"

Tonight, I was talking to a mom in our church whose family is truly suffering what I consider an immense amount of hardship right now. As she was sharing some of what is going on in her life, I was thinking to myself, "God, how much do you heap on to one family at a time?" My heart hurt for her family and for her. She wants to be strong and tries to be strong, but she doesn't feel strong. She said she is weary. She said she wonders what she might be doing wrong. Oh, my heart was so sad to hear this. Remember Job?

Job says, "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."

Matthew says, "He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous."

Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego say, "If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."

I've been facilitating an Experiencing God group on Sunday nights. Blackaby talks about evaluating our situations and circumstances against the backdrop of the cross. Meaning the truth is Romans 5:8, "God demonstrates His own love for us in this, while we were still sinners, Christ died for us." I guess what I understand and what I've learned is that it matters the perspective we have and the questions we ask. We are tempted to look at our distressing times and blame ourselves, or others, or we are tempted to ask God what we have done or are doing wrong, or what we need to learn so we can hurry up and get out of the situtation. What I am getting is that it's not so much "God, what is the lesson I need to learn to get out of this distressing situation" as much as it's about "God, help me to desire your will. I am doubting, I am scared, I am angry, etc. Please help me to have the strength to trust you." To look at these situations from a perspective that says here is an opportunity for God to reveal himself to me in an even greater way.

Other thoughts:
Tressie, a woman in our EG group shared a really great word picture tonight. She often reminds us in our discussions to value the growing process. To be OK with those times that we are often anxious to move past, the times that are maybe just uncomfortable, or maybe those times it feels unbearable. Often, these are the times we tend to judge ourselves or others harshly.

Her word picture related to the struggles we face in surrending ourselves to God's will. She said it's like a tot running out into the middle of the street with an oncoming car. We grab the child by the arm and pull them to safety. In the process, because the child has only a limited understanding of the situation, they protest our rescue. She is left to deal with her emotions. She must work through her anger and grieve her loss and trust that I know what's best for her. I could see things about the situation she couldn't. But, maybe in time, as she grows, she begins to understand why she was pulled out of the street so abruptly.

How do I change the dates on my drafts????

2006-05-07T22:02:00.000-07:00

Since I can't figure out how to change the date on my updated drafts I am just going to tell you the newest and latest posts I've finished:

Valuing the Genders
Apr. 15

I will be OK
Jan. 11

My Hometown

2006-05-03T21:47:00.000-07:00

One of the things I love about my hometown is the beach. Some days, when the wind blows right, you can smell the ocean in the air. I work at an open campus elementary school not far from the water. I often find myself strolling and lingering on the ramps taking in deep breaths of the salty air. They just feel so clean and refreshing. They're invigorating! During the Spring and Summer, as you drive over the Destin bridge, the water is crystal clear and the most glorious shades of blue and green. It's truly captivating along with the azure sky and brilliant white clouds! After admiring it for 20+ years, it is no less beautiful. It's almost as if I yearn and long to be a part of its beauty. I ache inside for it as I see the encroaching condos along the beach and the pretentious boats in the water. It posesses a beauty given to us and to it by the grace of God. Beauty that helps us understand our Heavenly Creator. Oh to be aware of the constant presence of the Almighty Father, the creator and artist of such things! The sunsets are yet another display of this awesome artistry. They never cease to inspire me. The shades of pink and purple and orange and green are incredible as they paint across the sky. Can your mind imagine them? Can it see them? If only I had the words to describe. As I stand on the boardwalk admiring nature around me, it's as if time stands still. My thoughts are still, I am truly at peace and in awe. It's a silent worship. And though the highway may be close by, there is no sound save the water lapping on the shore, the birds giving their song to the canvas, and the leaves from the live oak rustling in the breeze.

Hooray for Kindermusik

2006-05-03T21:08:00.000-07:00

We took Gracie to a Kindermusik class a couple of Saturday's ago. My neighbor told me about this class. It was sooo much fun. As a family, we all went together. On the surface, the class appeared like total chaos with two year olds running all around as they please. But, it was the most child friendly environment I've ever experienced. I really love the philosophy behind the curriculum. It focuses on valuing the process of learning and development rather than assessing the performance. Families participate together (mom, DAD and children). We sang silly songs, danced, played, interacted, had story time. It truly was a great time. Children are allowed to basically run free and partcipate in class activities as they choose. If they would rather play with everyone's shoes lined along the wall than listen to storytime, then they are allowed to do that. Each activity is structured to stimulate certain parts of the brain for social, emotional, physical, etc. development.

There are times my daughter sees strangers and often tries to say Hello or talk to them and is ignored because her small voice and small stature are easy to miss. In Kindermusik class, we sing the "Hello" song and ask each child how they would like to sing the song (clapping, hopping, dancing). Each child gets their moment in the spotlight and everyone--parents, teacher and other tots mimic the child. She participates as she pleases and plays as she pleases. It's a time solely focused on valuing what's important to a tot. How great is that?!

When discipline is necessary, the other children choose the discipline (usually time out) rather than the adults. This helps the little ones build community and respect for one another.

On the surface, it may seem like an awkward class where children run free and parents look silly dancing and singing and playing, but the purpose is to value what's important to a child and to learn what's important to a child. It may be planned to help the children develop their skills, but I think I learned much more than my daughter. It helps me meet her where she's at and value her for the place she's at, and I can use all the help I can get!

Valuing the Genders

2006-04-15T19:44:00.000-07:00

I don't really consider myself a feminist as I understand the term, but I believe in the value of women and I believe our culture still has significant growth potential as far as it relates to valuing women and femininity. Sometimes I am grieved by certain facets of the feminist movement because in my experiences, it often seems to try to make women and men the same more than equal. Sometimes, it seems to promote more of a seemingly ambiguous gender rather than celebrating all that makes us women and men. I don't believe women can do anything men can do and I don't think they need to. We each have different purposes and different strengths and I want us to celebrate the uniqueness of our genders becasue we are each made in God's image. I think we get a more complete picture or understanding of our Creator when we come together and work together and honor and value one another and our differences. Even to the extent that our understanding of God is limited as our understanding of the opposite sex is limited.

For women only (and those who love them):
I am trying to learn to embrace more of what makes me a woman. Specifically, the monthly hormone flucuations and how they effect moods and even my pattern of thinking. I had a wise friend once tell me she began tracking and really watching her mood swings because she was convicted about learning how to control herself better during PMS. She noticed that she had a tendency to be much more irrational besides being emotional and grumpy and agitated and depressed. She wanted to better learn how to handle herself during the times that are most difficult. I decided to do the same thing. I really have learned a lot about myself. I've done a little research on PMS and PPMD and different natural remedies in hopes to help me better manage myself while also allowing myself room to deal with the mood swings. It's not that I want to rid myself of them, as it's part of who I am. I want to manage it in an effort to grow as a person and as a woman. It's a unique challenge to women.

I'm movin on up...

2006-04-11T21:35:00.000-07:00

Do you love the pictures!!!??? OK, maybe they're not that impressive. But your talkin to someone whose last great adventure in the computer world was Wordperfect 5.0 or 5.7 or whatever it was back in the 90's. Yeah, those were the days. I could strike those "f" keys like nobody's business and have a research paper typed in a matter of seconds. Sad thing is, I have stupid dial up internet service and my husband is the one who uploaded the pictures. Is anyone crying for me, yet? I need help!

Anyway, now you can see my "Amazing Grace"!

Like Mother Like Daughter

2006-04-11T20:32:00.000-07:00

My life is a trash talk show...ok, just sometimes

2006-03-23T13:26:00.000-08:00

Even in the most frustrating, doubting if I should be a parent, and intense times there are moments of hilarity. I was at a loss with how to deal with my tired daughter who was not handling frustration or the word "no" to well as evidenced by the repeated whining, crying and sobbing. After trying to comfort and reassure her and emapthize with her, I was at a loss. The behavior was only intensifying. In my frustration and loss, I placed her in the bed and instructed her to stay there until she was ready to act "nice" - which isn't our common practice. She immediatly climbed out of the bed sobbing "no bed, mommy, no bed?" I said firmly, "get back in the bed or I will spank you." To which she immediately screamed and ran down the hallway crying and waving her hands in the air repeating, "no bed, no bed." At this point, all I could think about were Jerry Springer and Maury Povich. You know, the shows where the "significant other" can't believe their loved one cheated or can't believe the lie detector test said they were lying or can't believe the 47th DNA test proved this man wasn't the father either. Typically, someone goes running off stage crying and screaming and waving their hands in the air and later collapse on the floor backstage. I'm thinking about sending in an audition tape and using my daughter's talents to earn some extra cash or a free vacation or at least some sympathy.

In truth, it's amazing and frightening how much my child reveals my own childish ways.

A Prayer

2006-03-23T13:12:00.000-08:00

Here is a prayer I have truly come to appreciate in recent days. Um...maybe it helps some to sustain me in the times my character and intentions are called into question. When I am confused because I know my heart's desire...but others (and even myself sometimes) question if not my intentions, my vulnerability to be led astray. I appreciate and value the concern, and I leave the rest to the Spirit. Prayers like this are easier to pray and speak than to live.

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am
going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain
where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think
that I
am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing
so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please
you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I
hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that
if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing
about it. Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be
lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with
me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
Thomas Merton
--Thoughts in Solitude

In Memory of Morgan

2006-03-22T13:45:00.000-08:00

In case anyone would like to join the fight against cancer, you can donate in memory of Morgan Welch, a beautiful person inside and out:
Help...

What was she thinking?!

2006-03-10T18:02:00.000-08:00

It occured to me today while watching a commercial on bologna, my mom used to feed me Oscar Mayer liverwurst. You know, the stuff that used to come in some sort of submarine looking squeeze tube. It had some sort of plastic star shaped contraption in the center of the tube and you squeezed the "liverwurst" through the hole onto the bread. We used to spread it on bread with mustard. Sounds like a great idea!!!....doesn't it?!

The healing I need is grace (yoga, part 2)

2006-03-03T20:14:00.000-08:00

On my retreat to Atlanta, I learned more about myself. I don't consider myself serious about yoga, but I made sense of why I value it so much and why I've stuck with it longer than any other exercise program I've tried. It just seems to fit so neatly with my spititual journey. What I love even more is that I realized this after; not before, I made it a regular part of my life. In some ways, I think it helped established a foundation for me to build a better understanding of some Truths.

Scott made mention that yoga is individual. It is not meant to be guided by the teacher. It is meant to be guided by our body. The teacher is the experience of the student. For instance, we do not breathe or move or pose ourselves at the command of the teacher (although some practices of yoga differ in this approach), we follow our own body. We breathe as our body allows us to breathe, we move into positions and postures as our body allows us to. Therefore, if at some point in the practice we need to adjust our postures or breathing or take a break, then it is encouraged for us to follow our body. We learn humility when we recognize the limitations of our body. This recognition of the state of our body can also empower us to rest. We are empowered to make the practice ours. Yoga is meant to meet us where we are at. I think this is a beautiful example of grace and maybe how the Holy Spirit works in our life. Christ meets us where we are. The healing we need as a result of fear or hatred or violence we act out in our lives or towards others is grace. We would not be truthful if we didn’t admit to ourselves that we are all guilty of some form of denigration to ourselves and toward others. I recall and still participate in countless instances in my life where I’ve devalued myself and others. Not recognizing the value of my own life and thus judging others or denying Christ like compassion for others. Christ makes it clear we are in no position to judge others, even more importantly; the second greatest commandment is to love others as we love ourselves. I’ve made choices such as choosing not to speak to someone based on their appearance; no, not necessarily the color of their skin, to believing certain individuals don’t have a right to life. I judge because someone isn’t doing things the way I think they should be done. I have an inflated view of my own opinions, not respecting or valuing those things that make us human and make us different. I have denied others compassion because of my own fears. I have avoided others because they have a disability or emotional wounds or scars and I don’t know how to handle it, so I avoid them, contributing to the isolation they likely already feel. Grace is the bridge to deal with the differences we share. Grace demands us to look inside ourselves and deal with ourselves; to grieve, wrestle, celebrate, mourn, heal, etc…and then take that broken, vulnerable person and give that person to others. Because when we see our own need for grace and when we see ourselves no better than others, not deserving from others, or recognizing those areas we tend to blame others (passing our responsibility on to others), then we can be more honest with others, it opens an opportunity for dialogue with others to share and admit our own failures or shortcomings or needs for growth and helps build relationships. It’s difficult to give of ourselves when we haven’t dealt with our own loneliness and isolation that needs grace.

Yoga, Part 1

2006-02-25T12:54:00.000-08:00

I’ve been regularly practicing yoga for about 4 years. A doctor recommended it to me after I went to him with general aches and pains as a result of jogging. In his words, “you know, you aren’t 17 anymore, why don’t you just try yoga?” The majority of my experience has been Gaiam videos from Target. I don’t consider myself a serious student, although I am faithful to the practice. I knew I was drawn to it and committed to it, but I didn’t realize how much the practice has influenced me until I went to the retreat.

This journaling is a compilation of thoughts shared by the teachers as well as my own thoughts.

We can see the practice of Yoga meshing with spirituality from two different vantage points on a continuum. The first would be “christianizing” yoga, the next would be evaluating my intentions and thus it becomes spiritual because my intentions are pure. I can relate to both vantage points; however I think I tend to value the second approach of intentions. It seems the first approach comes to the experience with a certain fear and doubt, a concern that one will be influenced by false teachings and thus be led astray. The second approaches the experience valuing the intention at which the practice is being tried or evaluated. The first takes the practice of yoga and adds scripture and prayers of meditations and the like. I am thinking this makes the practice more palatable and thus not something to be feared. The idea is that if it’s covered with Christianity or Jesus or scripture or prayers, then it is made Holy. The second uses the intention to bring one to a contemplative state for the soul to meet the mystery. The second embraces the idea that if it is already true and good, then it is Holy. This is something that Fr. Tom expressed

mmmm..chocolate coca-cola cake

2006-02-25T12:23:00.000-08:00

Atlanta was such an awesome trip. It was difficult to leave Tom and Gracie, I cried as I pulled out of the driveway thinking about how much I would miss them and feeling anxious about the drive and really not knowing what to expect. I am so glad I trudged through those difficult moments and left. While I’m sure it doesn’t impress many people, I am darn proud of myself for driving to Atlanta alone. I gave myself a pat on the back each time another lane of traffic was added as I approached the city limits. I really enjoyed the entire 6 ½ hour drive. It was nice to have that much time to myself. Once I arrived at the monastery, a gate marked the entrance to the campus. It was so quiet and peaceful as I drove through the gates. Huge trees and a pond and a small garden invited contemplation. I walked into the guest house and was pleasantly greeted by Charlotte, a volunteer who gave me the key to my room. I arrived around 4 pm and vespers began at 5:30 with dinner immediately following. I unpacked and settled in and attended vespers. It was awkward, as I was unfamiliar with the service, but I truly enjoyed it. The dining room is silent, and so I ate in silence with 20 or so other guests. This too was a new experience for me. At first, I had a nervous grin as I sat down to eat, but by the end of the meal I was more comfortable. After dinner, we had orientation and our first yoga session at 6:30. During this time we met one another as well as the two leaders, Scott, a graduate student with a more traditional background of yoga who is studying how yoga and Christianity relate, and Dayna, an English teacher for 22 years who began instructing yoga about 3 or 4 years ago. We also met Fr. Tom Francis, 78, a monk for 54 years, who began studying yoga alone around 30 years ago when a Time magazine showed up at the Monastery with stick figures illustrating yoga poses. All three teachers worked incredibly well together. They had very different backgrounds and experiences and approaches to yoga that offered a well rounded opportunity for the rest of us.

After the retreat, I drove up to the North side of Atlanta to meet and visit with a friend. I really enjoyed the chance to “catch up” with Billie and we had a nice dinner. It rained all the way home on Monday, but for lunch I stopped in Montgomery at Cracker Barrel for sweet tea, baked chicken, cornbread stuffing, green beans and chocolate coca-cola cake and that made up for the rain.

my Amazing Grace

2006-02-25T09:48:00.000-08:00

Feb. 23:
My beautiful daughter is 2 today. I love the opportunity to celebrate her life. I am so thankful for her life. It’s amazing to experience love the way I experience love with her. Most things in life we choose to love, but I don’t feel that way with her. I am compelled to love her. I can’t recall a time I chose to love her, it just always was. My love for her has changed, especially once she was born, but it has always been present. One of my fears of being a mom was that I would resent taking care of her. I was afraid I would resent getting up in the middle of the night to feed her or I would resent not getting to do things I wanted to do because I had to take care of her…kind of like it feels when as kids we have to watch our siblings instead of going out with friends or doing what we want to do. I’ve not ever felt that way with her. I’ve been frustrated when I’ve had to change plans, I’ve been extremely tired and would rather sleep than feed her, I’ve needed a break from her, but the love and joy and fulfillment she brought to my life doesn’t change. It’s my hope that each day I will cherish time with her and not take her for granted. She is such a gift – truly amazing. She’s my amazing Grace… in so many different ways.

The morning after my trip, she climbed into bed with me and Tom and sat between us. We rolled over to face her and said our good mornings. She settled herself between us so she could see our faces, and then she patted me on the leg and said “Mommy, I glad yo heuh… in de bed”, then she turned and patted Tom and said, “Daddy, I glad yo heuh… in de bed.” These are the moments of joy I couldn’t have imagined.

Nothing cheesecake won't cure....

2006-02-24T17:37:00.000-08:00

My trip to Atlanta was all I had hoped for and more. I was only home a few hours before I began missing the Monastery. I was in a hurry to get home because I missed my family, but the opportunity to have time to myself was much needed. Time when no one was making demands on me and I felt free to do as I pleased. I tasted a freedom I want to live more in my daily life, not just when I drive 6 hours away and stay in a Monastery. I also challenged myself in new ways and I learned more than I expected about what the practice of yoga means to me. I was amazed by the knowledge of Fr. Tom Francis, one of the monks who taught us. I have gained a new respect for the traditions and history of the catholic church. I had great conversations with others, the type of conversation that I don't typically get to have in my day to day life. In the next couple of days, I am going to start posting journals from my trip.

Right now, I am struggling. I can be idealistic and I feel like I am being sucked back into a dark, dismal world that I don't want to be in. A world that controls me. Is it the "real" world, or just the world I've allowed to consume me? There are things in my life I don't like and now they are even more repulsive. I am asking myself how much do I change, what do I change, how do I change? Am I just too idealistic, or would I find more fulfillment in living my ideals? I feel like I am standing on a battle field and chaos and harm and anger are all around me and I am wondering if I should continue fighting or begin waving the white flag. A thought just occurred to me...vanilla cheescake from TGIFriday's might cure all of this.

What is the cost of communication?

2006-02-24T17:15:00.000-08:00

Yeah! Connie from Lifeway called. I have a better understanding and found out their policy was more flexible than previously mentioned to me. I originally asked for clarification because I didn't understand their policy and the lack of flexibility indicated by the emails sent to me. It was so difficult to get this info...I almost gave up. Was it worth it? I don't know. I'd like to say yes because now I have a better understanding of the copyright laws, Connie thanked me for calling, so I guess she has a better understanding of my need for further explanation, I just don't like that it took so much effort. It was difficult to be patient, it didn't seem like something that required two weeks of email and phone tag.

Is it so difficult to explain why?

2006-02-23T12:32:00.000-08:00

Well, I recently requested permission to copy some materials from Lifeway and they denied my request. I can accept that, but when I asked to have an explanation for the denial, they have totally avoided me. They have given blanket statements that are almost auto response like and it has been impossible to talk to someone in person. I would like to just give up and not inquire anymore, but now it comes down to principle. Being a person with a mind and will of my own, I think it is reasonable to ask the question “why?” It just seems like when this question is asked, and I would like to say I think I have been polite; one becomes a nuisance instead of the mindless robot that our consumerist, capitalistic society prefers. My husband says I am being difficult, but I like to think I am being myself and thinking for myself. I just asked “why?” what is difficult about that if you have a good reason and a good explanation? The fact that I am being avoided suggests to me that the policies are not flexible enough, or dialogue and discussion concerning the policies is not valued.

Atlanta or Bust!

2006-01-27T21:13:00.000-08:00

In a little more than two weeks I will be going to a retreat in Conyers, GA, just outside of Atlanta. This means I will be driving in the 42 laned Atlanta traffic on I-85 and I-285. Anyone have words of wisdom for someone who rarely drives on roads with more than two lanes?

My fears:
Other drivers
road hazards
lost and alone

Morgan

2006-01-22T16:09:00.000-08:00

Life is difficult.  Things happen I don’t understand.  Things happen I cannot comprehend.  Our pastor shared difficult news with the congregation today.  It was found that Morgan had 10 lesions on her brain.  She’s been fighting an aggressive form of breast cancer for the last 1 ½ years.  She was diagnosed just weeks after she was married.  Over time, we’ve been told cancer was found in her back, then her liver, possibly her lungs, and finally this week, we were told about the lesions on her brain.  A few days later, we were told doctors released her from their care and from anymore treatments.  They feel they’ve done all they can for her.

Questions are flooding my mind.  I have known Morgan for most of our lives.  We are not close friends, but I have spoken to her, I’ve touched her, I’ve hugged her, I’ve prayed for her, I’ve cried for her.  I’ve also known her family for many years.  I am angry!  I am angry these things happen.

I know this story is repeated often in different ways in many lives.  Why do these things happen?  How do you reconcile events like this in your life?  These stories happen to people every day around the world in some way.  How do I process these events as they occur around me, or when they occur to me?

I usually turn to Job to deal with these questions.  This time, I began reading around the sixth chapter.  I’ve always thought Job was a “special case”.  Whenever I’ve read Job, I’ve always read it as though it was a one time occurrence.  His circumstances were so harsh; I just decided God only allowed this once.  God used him as some sort of example.  God doesn’t work that way anymore.  As I was reading it this time, it occurred to me…his story is happening everyday around the world.  It is happening to Morgan and her family right now.  It happened to Abraham when he was told to sacrifice Isaac, and as my husband stated, it happened to Peter when Christ told him Satan had asked permission to sift him.

Each night, Phyllis Tickle spoke blessings at a conference my husband and I attended last May.  The first night, she told the story of Abraham and Isaac.  She added new insight to the story.  She explained that as Abraham raised his hand in obedience to kill his only son, God stopped him and said “now I know how much you love me.” Then she paused, “wait!”  Instead, maybe God was telling Abraham “now YOU know how much you love me”.

What is the difference?  The first reply is as if it were answering an unspoken question from God, “how far will Abraham go?”  I’m thinking that viewpoint diminishes God.  He already knew the answer to that question; He didn’t have to ask it.  I also think it diminishes our potential as we seek to live the life of Christ.  The second reply brings the notion that maybe the purpose of this experience was to reveal to Abraham his own willingness to go with God no matter where it took him, no matter the events or circumstances around him.

What can we gain from learning our own limits to the cost of following Christ?  Can we find security in learning and knowing how much we love God, in addition to how much He loves us in times of trial?  I know these questions don’t have answers in black and white.  Each tragedy carries its own purpose.

People are hurting and I am sad and I am angry and I don’t understand the purpose of it all.  I don’t like it and I don’t understand why life is or has to be this way.  I don’t know what I think it should be like.  But, after all of that, I am OK.  If I must choose between anger and bitterness or growth and healing, I am still compelled to trust God.  Not that it’s without questions…

Morgan passed away at 4:14 a.m. January 29.  She was 24.   May God be with her loved ones as they grieve.

Loving people isn't efficient

2006-01-22T07:07:00.000-08:00

We went to a Derek Webb concert in Panama City last night. Within the last year or so, he has become my new favorite artist. When I listened to his new album Mockingbird released in December, it only increased my affection for his music. Besides appreciating his folk rock sound, his lyrics are what capture me. My favorite songs from this album so far are "Mockingbird" and "New Law". He puts to words the things I struggle with and the things I struggle to express. It’s refreshing not only to feel as if you have been given words you were searching for, but also to hear someone speak so boldly and honestly from their heart. I really appreciated him sharing his thoughts about his albums. At the show, he described his first album as songs about being set free, recognizing the liberty we have because of the one who kept the law. He described his second album as being one in which he talks about the things we are set free unto.

In an interview he said:

“Because Jesus has kept the law on our behalf, because Jesus has loved the poor
perfectly on our behalf, we are liberated. That was the message of the first
record.
The message of this record is: it has liberated us unto what? Now
that we are set free, now that we don’t have to do anything to earn God’s favor,
how shall we live in light of that? And I think that looks very much like
helping the poor. And maybe we need to look around us and see that an issue is
that we are not around the poor. As Christians, we don’t live next to the poor,
or those who are gay, or minorities or anyone who could be difficult for us to
love. So now our neighbors are, of course, easy to love. They look like me, talk
like me, make the same money and are interested in the same things. So
this command has become way too easy.”

On The House Show he says:

“Loving people isn’t safe. Loving people isn’t efficient”

Lisa's take: I am learning more and more about this in my personal life. I’m learning more about a love and truth that resonates within my spirit. A love I’ve been searching for…a love that maybe I thought was only a fairytale. I’m learning how to love and how to be loved. It’s frightening because my world is new and I wonder what else I am missing.

One review says Derek Webb “oversimplifies” certain social or political issues. I like to think, however, that is not what he intends. He brings up difficult questions and controversial subjects, but they are real issues and real subjects if we are honest with ourselves.

“About being the one to start these conversations in Christian circles, Webb remarks honestly, “I’m not sure I’m the best one to do it, but it’s not like people are lining up for this particular job. And we need to start this dialogue yesterday about how to love people better. Let’s stop arguing and name calling, let’s find something to commend about one another and then start from that place of unity.”

Lisa's take: I get so excited to hear someone talk about these things. It’s not about stirring up controversy, as some may see it. It’s about recognizing the issues many of us ignore or the questions we are afraid to ask. It’s about opening dialogue to discuss these issues so we can deal with them. We are on this journey together, learning together.

Local artist, Chris Taylor, from Destin also performed a small set. It’s rare I hear music I immediately like from the first song to the last. I really enjoyed the music, it was an acoustic, folk, mellow sound. I’m not ready to comment on his lyrics, although what I could understand last night I really liked. His lyrics were poetic and sung with the music they created a lot of imagery. His set was a nice surprise.

Pull Daddy's Finger

2006-01-22T06:19:00.000-08:00

Tom and I were watching our two year-old daughter play the other day…who even through the tantrums is more beautiful and amazing every day. We’ve sort of been potty training so the bathroom has become one of her play areas. As if continuing a tradition passed down from her daddy, she was standing on a little step stool playing and looking into the mirror above the sink. Also like her daddy, she recently began singing short phrases and sentences about things on her mind to her own little melody. Tom and I were standing in the doorway of the bathroom, watching and admiring this beautiful gift from God as she played and sang her own songs. She was laughing, giggling, smiling showing all of her teeth, and dancing as she was performing for her audience. She’s become fascinated with the Wizard of Oz lately, so she was singing about Scarecrow and Tinman and Dorothy and the Witch. Then all of the sudden she adds to the melody…”pull Daddy’s finger”. What? Puzzled and laughing so I could hardly speak; I looked to my husband for clarification. “Did she say “pull daddy’s finger”? Laughing just as hard as I was, he proudly shook his head yes and commented on his success. We laughed and I remarked something about his legacy to her, and then we both turned to continue admiring our gift we created together. Moments like these are treasures.

I will be OK

2006-01-11T15:26:00.000-08:00

Tom and I watched Les Miserables the other night. I’ve been avoiding the movie for years simply because I had been told a poor description of the story line and I feared the story and the ending were too sad to watch, too emotional or gut wrenching. I guess stories like that tend to bring to surface my doubts and questions.

As we watched it, I was ashamed I had been avoiding it. To me, it's a story about the difference between law and grace and the necessity to have a balance of the two in our lives. It is such a beautiful story. I am sorry I waited so long before I watched it. I found myself brooding over thoughts and questions as the story progressed. I found myself frustrated…I was scared of the ending. I was scared that “bad” things happened to the “good” guy and that was unbearable to me. I kept asking Tom to tell me the ending of the movie because I just wanted it to be over. The ending was not what I expected, but it left me with these questions. What if the ending was what I expected? Would God still be God? Would God still be a good God? Would I still believe in Grace? Of course I can say “yes” with my mouth, but I want to say yes with my “heart, soul, and mind, and strength”.

I realized that for me, part of the definition of Grace is to know that no matter the situation, circumstances or events in my life, I will be O.K. Not that the circumstances change, not that life turns out the way I want it to…or the way I think it should, but that no matter how incredibly unjust I think my life becomes, I am OK.

The Journey

2006-01-11T14:01:00.000-08:00

C.S. Lewis once said that our ideas for the day, our daily routines, are our plans, our will; but the interruptions to those routines are God’s plans and His will. We can react one of two ways, with resentment and avoidance, or with obedience and service. I know that I often choose the resentment and avoidance. I also know that choosing obedience and service are never disappointing. They only lead to fulfillment, to a sense of purpose. Why is it, then, that we often spend our lives avoiding and fearing difficult circumstances and situations? It is these times God uses to facilitate learning and growing. This is what life is, this is the journey, this is the process.

Push the Button!!!!

2006-01-10T19:53:00.000-08:00

I was shopping at Target the other day with my beautiful 21 month old daughter. After completing our purchases, we walked back to the car and I unloaded my plastic tubs, my new red sweater, and my purse containing my cell phone. Then, I placed my most precious cargo into her car seat. As I was setting her in the car seat, she leaned over and grabbed my car keys. "No big deal," I thought. “She can play with them." After buckling her in the car seat, I left the door open just in case she locked the doors while playing with the keys and I ran to put away the cart. As I was running, I could hear the car locks clicking. I gave myself a pat on the back. I thought, "Hehehe...good thinking Lisa. No worries, you left the car door open, you’re a smart one!" I returned to the car and leaned in the OPEN door to take the car keys. She protested! She wanted to keep the keys. So, I thought, "She'll get bored if we just sit here and then she'll willingly hand over the keys. I'll just close the door and sit in the driver's seat and wait." (There are so many things wrong with the previous conclusion...to be discussed later.) I closed the door and pulled on the handle to open the driver's side door....LOCKED!!! AHHHH!!!! Don't let her see you panic! Now what? How do I explain to a Target employee or some unsuspecting shopper I need to use their phone because my daughter is locked in the car-without me! I concluded that since she already pushed the buttons before, she could do it again - right? Even if the LOCK button is the size of Texas and the unlock button is the size of a piece of lint. I peered into the car window. There she was laughing and playing with the keys. I began pleading with her to push the button. Tapping on the window, I started pleading, "Gracie, push the button. Gracie, mommy can't get in the car unless you push the button. I'm locked out. You need to push the button to let me in. I can't get in the car. Push the button." She would laugh and jingle the keys. After pleading and pleading with with her, I began plan my next move. Then, she finally DID IT!! I heard the locks *click*! Yeah!!!!! Before I finished my thought, I had the door open. I took the keys and we drove home. No one the wiser that my 21 month old had just been locked in the car all alone, except for my keys, my plastic tubs, my new red sweater, my purse and my cell phone.

Happy New Year

2006-01-06T13:48:00.000-08:00

Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and Happy New Year!

Family Quotations

2006-01-06T13:31:00.000-08:00

I have a jolly old uncle in Cedar Creek, NC who is a lot of fun to be around. He is a sweet man with a great sense of humor. This is one of the things you might hear him say at a family gathering. I’m not sure what it means….

The birds do it
The bees do it
Everybody ought to be able to do it
Anybody that can’t do it ought to be tied to it and made do it
Then, if they still can’t do it
Bring ‘em to me
I can do it
‘cuz I’m used to it

Other famous family quotations:

Grandma Ruby (Uncle Jackie’s mom)
”I loved him so much when I married him I could’ve eaten him. Now I wished I had.”
(speaking of her beloved husband of over 60 years-with a slight bit of resentment)

“He can crack a nut with that tooth”
(still speaking of my Grandaddy Hoyt-who has slowly lost all but one tooth)

In Need of a Sponsor

2005-12-20T21:20:00.000-08:00

I'm looking for a sponsor for Marc Sony. Tom and I have supported a young man, Johnis, from Columbia for nearly ten years through Compassion International. I have loved the organization. I appreciate the way they handle sponsorships. Each year, they ask current sponsors to help recruit new sponsors. They sent me info on a child in need of support and my job is to try to recruit someone for Marc Sony, by Dec. 31. If you're interested, you can go here http://www.compassion.com/CWC/default.htm?ID=1275230 to learn more about him.

2005-12-09T22:24:00.000-08:00

I saw Chronicles of Narnia tonight! I LOVED it! more to come....

Gollum

2005-12-02T13:04:00.000-08:00

I suppose I could explain my bad mood now that I am better dealing with it. It's one of those things where you know how you got where you are, but don't know how to get out of it. You know what you did wrong, but don't know how to fix it and maybe don't want to fix it. Fixing it or repairing it might mean admitting things I don't want to admit to myself about myself. I do know how to start...an apology (which really bites because it gets in the way of my self-entitled pride) and being genuine with my motives and intentions and fears and insecurities. Even the ones I might want to vehemently deny. Trying to get to the root of my behavior can be so difficult. I imagine if I looked at myself in the mirror, I would look a lot like Gollum.

GRRR...

2005-12-01T20:53:00.000-08:00

I am in a bad mood!

I am woman, hear me ROAR!

2005-11-30T19:55:00.000-08:00

Yeah!!! I survived the Thanksgiving feast with only minor injuries. Maybe in honor of the Holiday the kitchen was more inclined to give me a break. I tried not to expect too much from it. In all honesty, I've truly dreaded the day I would "host" (others might not call it that) a turkey dinner at my home. I was at ease with the guests we invited and I wasn't dreading it this year. I was kind of excited. I was a little stressed over the planning, but I actually enjoyed all the cooking. I am quite proud of myself. I actually removed the neck and innards from the turkey cavity all by myself! Not only that, I STUFFED the turkey, which was a little awkward.

Here was my portion of the menu, guests provided other yummy dishes:
Turkey (first soaked in brine and later stuffed)
Some pretty mean Mashed Potatoes (this recipe is definitely a keeper! - YUM!)
Broccoli Salad
Green Bean Casserole
No bake PB cups (this is a keeper too! Man, I can't stop eating them...choc and PB are my weaknesses)
A failed attempt at gravy (I will master this one day!)

It was a tiring, but good day!

We also started a neat family tradition! I'm really excited about this. The idea came from Blues Clues. We started a Thanksgiving journal. Each year we will take pictures and the family and guests will write about the day and what they are thankful for.

The day was enough of a success I would be willing to try again, with the Kitchen's permission, of course!

And, while I'm bragging on myself,
I actually "coordinated" my first wedding Saturday. I was rough around the edges, but the bride and groom's families seemed to be happy with it. Not sure this is really my "cup of tea", I was sort of drafted into it simply because my hubby officiates them. Due to some last minute confusion, during the ceremony, I was in the bathroom on the phone with our pastor's wife asking how to coordinate the reception! This was really a lot of fun when she answered, "I don't usually do that part of it, the photographers do." Which would have been okay if the photographer hadn't just told me "I usually leave it up the the coordinator." AHHHH! Well, no time to panic!
Thankfully, all went well.

My Conviction

2005-11-24T06:39:00.000-08:00

If you're wondering what to give back this Thanksgiving...may I share my own conviction? My conviction is to give Grace. The kind of Grace that is beyond my own ability. Grace I don't want to give. Grace that relies on strength, courage, love, understanding beyond my capabilities; but not beyond His availablity to me. In my experience, it seems only to come from an earnest, desperate search to find understanding. Luke 11:1-13. It's a Grace that learns to admit my shortcomings, failures and weaknesses so that I may find the needed courage to pass on the grace I'm given. It requires courage because I don't want to give it. It takes a risk to give more than I feel I'm capable of giving. It requires setting aside "my rights", the ones I feel I'm entitled to, so I can give the grace and understanding to others that I so desperately desire for myself. (I desire this Grace from others, but in Truth, it's something I already possess.) I suppose it seems obvious, the "Golden Rule", but I'm finding I'm required to give grace even from those places I've kept to myself. The places that were untouchable to others, places I claimed as "my territory", my rights. It's easy to give what I want to give, what feels safe to give, to give when I'm not in need, to give when my cup is already overflowing. It's much harder to give when I am scared, angry, or my cup is empty. It's in these times and in these places that I don't want to give. It's mine, not yours; it's my time, not yours; it's my turn, not yours. Please understand, this is not a grace given because I force myself to give it. This grace begins when I am genuine, not disciplined. The strength to give this grace comes only when I am raw, honest, naked before my God. It comes when I am ready to give my anger, my rage, my rights to Him. It comes after pleading and earnestly seeking the Truth. A willingness to obey and let go NO MATTER THE COST. Trusting the risk is worth it; it's worth it to give up the doubts, fears, struggles, chains. Trusting that the person I want to become, the one I will become, will catch me if I fall.

It frightens me to even type these thoughts.

2005-11-23T21:45:00.000-08:00

Happy Thanksgiving!

Let's just say...I'm no Betty Crocker

2005-11-19T12:02:00.000-08:00

Well, Tom and I have decided to host our very first Thanksgiving dinner. I'm excited and it's a bit scary since I've never cooked a turkey before. Besides the fact that having to clean and prepare a turkey churns my stomach, I'm not known for my "skills" in the kitchen. The kitchen and I sort of have a mutual understanding. We allow one another to coexist in the same house, but we are not to cross one another's paths. When we do, the result is bedlam. Just last night I was boiling water to engage in my much loved past time, hot tea. The reality is - one can boil water too long. Not only that, one can cook an empty teapot long enough that it will stick to the stovetop element. Yes, my teapot stuck to the element! Once I removed my teapot, I did what any Betty Crocker in training would do, I tried to put water in the teapot. You see, I was thinking that with the teapot so hot, the water would heat pretty quickly, so I wouldn't even need to turn the stovetop back on to enjoy my anticipated Chamomile tea! I think it was pretty logical. As I held the teapot under the faucet, I quickly found my Sherlock Holme's deduction to be true! The water steamed on contact with the superheated teapot and I scalded three knuckles. You see, I invaded the kitchen's territory. I just hope we can work out a more amicable agreement for Thanksgiving!

Starry, Starry Night

2005-11-11T13:15:00.000-08:00

Josh Groban
Vincent (Starry, Starry Night)

"weathered faces lined in pain, are soothed beneath the artists loving hand"

I love this line in the song. The song refers to Van Gogh, but I always picture my Creator and me. Being the artist that created me, He is aware of my flaws and every need. To picture Him as the artist soothing my weathered face lined in pain gives me comfort.

Subject to Change

2005-11-11T12:55:00.000-08:00

O.K., due to the volume of responses indicating a need for change (haha), I am going back to the original template. It looks cleaner to me or something.

Which template?

2005-11-08T21:26:00.000-08:00

Just taking a poll...if anyone else reads this...haha! I'm wondering if I should keep this template, or go with the first one. Any suggestions?

Being Snow White isn't all it's cracked up to be...

2005-11-08T20:49:00.000-08:00

One of the things I love about my job is the fact that it is an open campus. I walk up and down the outside ramps several times a day. Sometimes, I admire the birds nesting in their houses. Sometimes, I admire the bright sky, a cool breeze, an approaching storm. Sometimes, when the breeze is blowing just right, I can smell the ocean...this one is my favorite. I am also amused at times by the squirrels scurrying around and burying their winter food. Today, a beautiful day, I was casually walking down the ramps and admiring the perfect weather. Enjoying my stroll, I noticed a friend and co-worker with quite an interesting expression on her face. She appeared amused and stunned at the same time. Too curious to ignore the expression, I stopped to inquire. She proceeded to tell me (through her laughs) that as she was leaving a classroom, she happened to walk by one of the trash cans. Nothing is usually eventful about this experience...until today. As she approached this trash can, she noticed a squirrel rummaging around it. She took note, wondering what the squirrel was finding. As she passed by, all of the sudden, the squirrel leapt towards her and scrambled through her hair! I am a witness to her slightly disheveled appearance. We laughed together, sharing our dismay that noone else saw the event. I had to admit I was also a bit envious. Afterall, many little girls dream of trash can squirrels being drawn to them by their beauty and grace.

Let Me Fall

2005-11-07T12:57:00.000-08:00

Josh Groban
Let Me Fall

Let me fall
Let me climb
There’s a moment
when fear
And dreams must collide

Someone I am
Is waiting for courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall
I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear them

Let me fall
If I fall
Though the phoenix may
Or may not rise

I will dance so freely
Holding on to no one
You can hold me only
If you too will fall
Away from all these
Useless fears and chains

Someone I am
Is waiting for my courage
The one I want
The one I will become
Will catch me

So let me fall
If I must fall

I won’t heed your warnings
I won’t hear
Let me fall
If I fall

There’s no reason
To miss this one chance
This perfect moment
Just let me fall

Anyone looking for courage? I've listened to this song for two years and finally appreciate it's message. I love the message that we have to step into the unknown and depend on the person we hope to become to catch us. Relying on the hope there is a place where "fear and dreams must collide." Experiencing freedom from fears and chains.

Tom and I have been discussing plans for our future. There is a fear that surrounds the unknown. It is our desire; however, to leave Gracie a legacy of tried and failed attempts, rather than a stagnant life controlled by fear. It's a lot easier to type this than to live this!

Good Gifts

2005-11-06T05:44:00.000-08:00

Have you ever experienced those moments when you finally realize you're not the only one? For so long you've wondered if you're alone, and then....You have a conversation, you read something and realize at the least one other person has shared the same questions or thoughts or observations. Those secrets you may or may not have shared with others. Maybe you've tried to share them with others, maybe you've not had the language to express your thoughts and so it's something you've always kept to yourself. And then....you receive a gift from God. That moment, that time, His time. You realize that someone else exists that possibly understands those precious, treasured thoughts or observations. I've had such a moment recently. I found myself "frolicking" through the house. I was skipping around and throwing my hands in the air shouting "Yes!! Yes!!" I glanced down long enough to notice my beautiful daughter laughing, "silly, mommy!" So I asked her to join me...And we frolicked together shouting "Yes!!". What a glorious day....

Danger: This Product Contains Christian Elements

2005-11-01T20:16:00.000-08:00

I appreciate Rob Bell's mention in his book Velvet Elvis of the danger of denying truth can exist outside of our safe "Christian" environment. The thing we Christians try to do is take something from the "world" and Jesus it up. We try to make it ok for Christian consumption. I've done this myself. I've tried to take things and wrap my little Jesus label around it. As if He would be proud I wouldn't defile myself with anything that doesn't have the mark of the fish. We set out to separate ourselves from others and from things that do not claim to be Christian. Why? Have we forgotten we are all humans and we are all falliable. Christian or not. Even if we don't identify ourselves with "Christ," we can and likely do have something good about us. Even if we do identify ourselves as "Christian" we have faults. You see, truth can be anywhere. If the REALITY is that God is present everywhere, then could we say that truth can be anywhere? Even if something is not overtly labeled "Christian"? I love this point Bell makes: in the book of Acts, Paul affirms the truth and claims it wherever he finds it (p. 79).

whatever happened to peace, man?

2005-11-01T20:02:00.000-08:00

I got an e-mail the other day with the subject line "silence the opposition." The purpose was to sign a petition in support of the new supreme court nominee. Why would I want to "silence the opposition"? Whether I agree with their view or not, they have a right to voice their opinion as much as I have a right to voice mine. I scanned the e-mail and then deleted it. I was a bit turned off by the approach. The practice of silencing those in opposition to your view seems unwise. It breeds an "us vs. them" mentality that disrespects and ignores the views of those who don't agree with you. I've been around long enough to have learned that my views are subject to change. I am not always right. I need others around and I need to give an ear to their views. It's really the "golden rule". If I want to be heard, then I need to be willing to hear. If I want to have the opportunity to express my views, even as they change, then I need to be willing to allow others to do the same. I prefer the approach of discussion and dialogue.

Lisa's song

2005-10-28T14:18:00.000-07:00

The Waiting
Hands in the Air

If I raise my hand just to lift the shade,
will I reveal a sky heavy and gray?
Will last night be a memory sweetly fading?
How I hate a morning starting out this way
On these lonely, raging mornings I would whip You if I could
But You're on the mighty side of strong
And the perfect side of good
If I raise my hands will You grab me by the wrists
And will You try to pull me from the fray?
And even if my fingers join together into fists
Will You hold me firmly anyway?
Because I would try to escape You
But for everyday I'm sureThat You're on the huge side of big
And the holy side of pure
Okay, hear what I say
As I raise my hands in surrender today
Okay, here I will stay
Hands in the air, singing have Thine own way
If I raise my hands so weak and thin and frail
Will You reveal the light of mercy in Your eyes?
If I cry to You faintly will my feeble whisper fail
Or will it find its way to a reply?
Because, now that I'm exhausted I think I'm ready to admit
That I have spent all my resistance on someone I can't resist

Light from my window sill,
make my way to the door
I hang my head and still,
I know You're wanting more
Over the threshold now,
I move across the yard
All that my will allows,
my every step is hard

Now in the garden
I carve out six feet of space
There make my will comply,
lie down upon my face

Been toe to toe too long,
I'm tired of fighting You
I see You were too strong,
cause I am black and blue
But now I understand a losers due to win
How every dying man is sure to rise again
So I raise my left hand one,
I raise my right hand too
Under the morning sun,
my spirit cries to You

Okay, hear what I say
As I raise my hands in surrender today
Right here
Under the sun
Hands in the air,
singing Thy will be done
I'm here
Under the sun
Hands in the air,
singing Thy will be done
Okay, hear what I say
Hands in the air,
singing have Thine own way
Have Thine own way

This is one of my all time favorite, favorite songs. I wish The Waiting were still together and writing songs...

Things you might hear me say....

2005-10-23T20:08:00.000-07:00

The red tape only says "Dangerous", we can walk around it!

I'm all about peace and love and "stick it to the MAN"

He is GRACE

2005-10-18T20:39:00.000-07:00

I was watching the Nooma "Lump" the other day. What a beautiful picture of God's grace.

It brought me back to places in my life when I've experienced God's grace and forgiveness. The times when I've been so ashamed of my sin and sobbed at the realization of God's grace. Romans 8. Experiencing and knowing that kind of healing and grace only comes from Him, there is no other explanation. To know that kind of grace planted a desire within my being to know Him more.

I was left with this prayer:
Father, I want to be better than average. I don't want to settle for less than the best. I don't want to be better than others, I want to be more Christlike. Genuinely. Is it possible to pursue this with such passion that it becomes wrong?
I want to BE a person of GRACE. I want to be someone that doesn't hoard the grace I've recieved but gives it joyously and generously to others. I want others to experience what I've been given.

Get a grip!

2005-10-18T20:27:00.000-07:00

I signed up for a weekend retreat at The Monastary of the Holy Spirt (in GA) the other day. The retreat is "The Basics of Christian Yoga". I'm pretty excited about it. I'm also a little nervous. In registering for the retreat, I spoke to my first real life Father or Priest. This may seem mundane to others, but it was an interesting and new experience for me. I didn't really expect to have the reaction I did. I was sort of unprepared for the call as he called me on my cell phone while I was shopping for cards at the mall. He introduced himself as Father (insert name). All of the sudden, I thought to myself "Behave, Lisa". Then I thought, "how do you behave in front of a Priest?, What do I call him?, How do I talk to him? Uh-Oh...get a grip!" In thinking back over it, it wasn't so much I was concerned what the Priest would think of me as much as I was concerned about my ignorance on how to show proper respect to his position.

Ben Fold-isms

2005-10-16T14:33:00.000-07:00

It seems to me, if you can't trust, you can't be trusted...

The more you know the more you don't know @#$%

Existence vs. Living

2005-10-16T13:59:00.000-07:00

For what it's worth, I think there is a difference between existing and living.

Existing is safe. Failures are someone else's fault, risks are left to others and challenges are rejected. Existence is stagnant.

Living is scary. Failures are what I make them, risks are necessary, and challenges are accepted. Living is active.

TRUTH...

2005-10-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

As I travel this journey searching for truth, I rely on the Holy Spirit. I determine something is true when I've experienced it, until then...it's in limbo. I likely have an opinion, but its not solid. Even the truths I learn are somewhat flexible or open to modifications in the sense that I likely don't know all there is to know about the subject. As I grow, I am likely to learn more. No, it's not based on feelings. Yes, it is based on how I interpret the Holy Spirit. This is the key to my understanding truth: If God is who He says He is, then I have to believe that He will show me if I am going in the wrong direction. He must reveal His truths to me as he determines. The way I experience truths is through validation by the Holy Spirit and his work. There are no conincidences with God. I hear something, I wonder if it's true. I pray about it, I ask God to reveal His truth to me. I ask Him to help prepare my heart to be willing and open to hear His truths. I look to His word for understanding, and I wait. I wait for the experience. As Henry Blackaby says: "God speaks by the Holy Spirit through the Bible, prayer, circumstances and the church to reveal Himself, His purpose and His ways." Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting there is some sort of formula. It's not a checklist to follow, it's a life to be lived.

It's been suggested that I am creating God in my own image, or I am creating an idol. How can I trust it's the Holy Spirit and not me? I go back to my experiences and the belief that if I desire to know God and to follow him in my heart, in the core of who I am, then He will reveal himself as He chooses. I've been accused of being rebellious and faithless. I won't deny those sins exist in my heart. (I Corth. 4:4) I also desire to know God, to follow Him, to obey Him, to live as Christ would live. God says whoever trusts in Him will not be put to shame (Rom. 10:11). He says "I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them. I will turn darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. This I will do for them declares the Lord." Isa. 42:16 The ironic thing is that our ways are not His ways (Isa. 55:8) and He tells us not to lean on our own understanding (Prov. 3:5-6). To try to understand God based on our understanding seems dangerous, it doesn't leave room for Him to guide us. If my goal is to trust myself to know what is God and what isn't then I am not leaving room for Him to be my God.

Who's in control?

2005-10-15T18:50:00.000-07:00

I recently read commentaries from http://www.bible.org/ on 2 Kings 4:8-36 (The Shunmmite's Son restored to Life) and Matthew 5:1-16 (Sermon on the Mount). I have also been reading Gal. 5:16-26 (Life by the Spirit). It seems to me as I encounter more scripture and view it through a new filter emerging within me especially within the last year, there is a common theme. I am not sure what to call it, maybe a Spirit led life? A life led not by our feelings, but by experience and obedience. A life that confronts our fears (some obvious to us and others deeply embedded) and takes risks to trust Christ with them. A very vulnerable life. It's so scary to look at life as if "anything goes." At least we find some comfort or something when we think we can control it, or try to control it. It's scary to learn more about my lack of control and my desire to control. I now understand the significance of learning more about finding rest in the Lord. It's not so much that these truths are new to me as much as it is my understanding of them is different.

It's all about the experience, (for me anyway)....

2005-10-15T09:20:00.000-07:00

In the past, Tom has been known to criticize my take on the environment and man's dominion over it. The way I see it, we are responsible to nature. We don't wastefully and arrogantly cut down a tree or step on a bug just because we can and all the while celebrate our prideful power over God's creations. We cut down a tree because we need it for firewood or housing or whatever. We appreciate God's plan and purpose for the smallest of bugs. We are grateful for the use of our Sister Earth (so named by Frances Schaeffer) and use it approriately. We remember to recognize it's only by the grace of God that we are given use of his creations. What makes us think we can do whatever we want whenever we want to it?

Now, in the process of reading Pollution and the Death of Man, Tom is understanding my point of view. He said that while he was reading it he could imagine me saying (with some sort southern accent and a head jive) "See, I've been telling you that for years."

So I ask him, is this a new concept to you or what is it? He says it's a new concept. Although I've shared it with him before, now that he sees it in black in white it's more valid.

So, this is how we view life:

Tom: It's not valid until I read it from a book. I don't care what you say you've experienced, I need to read it from a book.

Lisa: I don't care what I read, who you are, what you've experienced. Unless I've experienced it, it has no value. It's not valid. It may be true, but I haven't experienced it.

I want to understand more about our differences.

Dream Come True

2005-10-06T17:31:00.000-07:00

There are days when I realize that much of my life is a dream come true. I just have no complaints. It's not that it's perfect, it's just more than I thought possible for me. I didn't expect to know joy like this. I feel as though I have an abundant life. You would think I would find comfort in this. I don't know what happens, but I find that I become anxious. It's too good to be true. It's as if I wait for the inevitable tragedy. What will it be? This is so sad. Why are we so quick to sabotage our lives? What does it mean to rest in Christ? What does he mean when he says "my yoke is easy and my burden is light"?

I HATE ROACHES!!!

2005-09-28T20:44:00.000-07:00

I like to think of myself as someone who values caring for the environment and believes we are responsible for the upkeep of the planet and animals. So much so, that I have eliminated the practice of indiscriminately stepping on bugs just because I can. I believe they have a right to life as long as they are outside my home. So, as I sit at my computer to check my mail, I hear something plop onto a pile of papers to my left. Upon closer inspection, it is a treacherous ROACH!!! My heart starts beating fast, my breath is shallow, I hold in a cry of disgust because my sweet little girl is asleep in the adjoining room. I run to ask my knight in shining armor to rescue me from this frightening dragon. To prepare him, I suggest a large shoe. As he evaluates the situation, he decides heavier artillery is needed. He decides bug spray is the weapon of choice. So my knight rescues me and none too soon. As for my ecological concerns, he was on my turf, and I'm bigger and stronger (or at least my husband is). Let this be a warning to any disgusting, dreadful roach that dare enter my abode. No life will be spared!

more fave quotes

2005-09-26T20:36:00.000-07:00

Amy, the yoga instructor:

"Accept with gratitude, give with devotion" While she was referring to the practice of yoga, I relate it to my faith journey. Accept God's grace with gratitude, give to Him with my devotion.

Favorite Quotes

2005-09-23T21:07:00.000-07:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light not darkness, that is powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are the child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
Nelson Mandela--1994 Inaugural Speech
I have carried this quote around with me in my purse for several years. There have been times when I wasn't sure what I thought of it...I think I am finding a new appreciation for it lately.

Who says I can't do everything?...Oh!

2005-09-23T21:05:00.000-07:00

Still struggling with the whole "I can do everything mentality...if I were smart enough, strong enough, wise enough..." you get the picture. One of my favorite quotes by my pastor is "find humility in your limitations". I love this quote!
Romans 12 backs this up pretty nicely:
3For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. 4Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, 5so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. 6We have different gifts, according to the grace given us. If a man's gift is prophesying, let him use it in proportion to his[b]faith. 7If it is serving, let him serve; if it is teaching, let him teach; 8if it is encouraging, let him encourage; if it is contributing to the needs of others, let him give generously; if it is leadership, let him govern diligently; if it is showing mercy, let him do it cheerfully.
This says to me that all we need to do is focus on the gifts we have been given and use them according to the measure of our faith. Not quite sure what the last part means. It's somewhat freeing to know that even the B-I-B-L-E doesn't expect me to know and do everything. And v.3 sort of tells me that others struggle with the wish for omnipotence or omnicence, or whatever. The cool thing is that if we just focused on developing our own skills and gifts and talents and appreciated the gifts of those around us (rather than compete with them) we would be a truer picture of a unified body. Hmmm.......

the frustrating life of a non-omnipotent being

2005-09-23T21:04:00.000-07:00

I wonder if anyone else struggles with the frustration of not being able to do everything and know everything all the time at the right time. My phrase for the day has been "Lisa, you can only do what you can do, deal with it." In some ways this is freeing because it releases me from my unrealistic expectations of myself, but at the same time, it frustrates me because I can't know and do everything I want to do or everything I think needs to be done. I guess I'm left with "deal with it." (originally posted September 19, 2005)

blah, blah, blah

2005-09-23T21:03:00.000-07:00

I am home alone tonight. Tom is at a movie with his brother from out of town and Gracie is in bed. It's nice sometimes to be at home alone and do whatever I want to do. I have been surfing the net and catching up on e-mails. I am also trying to figure out how to navigate livejournal...which is sad because I really don't know what I am doing. I've at least decided this would be much more interesting if I shared it with friends and family...otherwise I'm not sure what the point is. I think I will go enjoy some chocolate cake from TGIFriday's...a treat from Tom. I won't tell you what he calls it. (originally posted September 12, 2005)

F-O-C-U-S...What?

2005-09-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

UGHH! Today I have taken up the task of cleaning the dreaded mini-blinds. I hate these things. They are not the most attractive window treatment, but I do find them functional since I can control the light coming in the windows. Cleaning the blinds is a big job in itself, but as I started, I noticed repairs needed to be made to the blinds and the walls. Oh, and, the windows should be clean for clean blinds, and the curtains should be clean for the clean windows and clean blinds and on and on. My key word for the day is FOCUS! If I can get the blinds clean (and maybe the windows), I have accomplished something. Right? (originally posted June 13, 2005)

Moving...

2005-09-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm moving from livejournal. We'll see what happens. I am bringing previous posts with me.

A place for Lisa to rant

2005-09-23T19:42:00.000-07:00

Its gotta look better than an online journal.