Morgan

Life is difficult.  Things happen I don’t understand.  Things happen I cannot comprehend.  Our pastor shared difficult news with the congregation today.  It was found that Morgan had 10 lesions on her brain.  She’s been fighting an aggressive form of breast cancer for the last 1 ½ years.  She was diagnosed just weeks after she was married.  Over time, we’ve been told cancer was found in her back, then her liver, possibly her lungs, and finally this week, we were told about the lesions on her brain.  A few days later, we were told doctors released her from their care and from anymore treatments.  They feel they’ve done all they can for her.  

Questions are flooding my mind.  I have known Morgan for most of our lives.  We are not close friends, but I have spoken to her, I’ve touched her, I’ve hugged her, I’ve prayed for her, I’ve cried for her.  I’ve also known her family for many years.  I am angry!  I am angry these things happen.  

I know this story is repeated often in different ways in many lives.  Why do these things happen?  How do you reconcile events like this in your life?  These stories happen to people every day around the world in some way.  How do I process these events as they occur around me, or when they occur to me?

I usually turn to Job to deal with these questions.  This time, I began reading around the sixth chapter.  I’ve always thought Job was a “special case”.  Whenever I’ve read Job, I’ve always read it as though it was a one time occurrence.  His circumstances were so harsh; I just decided God only allowed this once.  God used him as some sort of example.  God doesn’t work that way anymore.  As I was reading it this time, it occurred to me…his story is happening everyday around the world.  It is happening to Morgan and her family right now.  It happened to Abraham when he was told to sacrifice Isaac, and as my husband stated, it happened to Peter when Christ told him Satan had asked permission to sift him.  

Each night, Phyllis Tickle spoke blessings at a conference my husband and I attended last May.  The first night, she told the story of Abraham and Isaac.  She added new insight to the story.  She explained that as Abraham raised his hand in obedience to kill his only son, God stopped him and said “now I know how much you love me.” Then she paused, “wait!”  Instead, maybe God was telling Abraham “now YOU know how much you love me”.  

What is the difference?  The first reply is as if it were answering an unspoken question from God, “how far will Abraham go?”  I’m thinking that viewpoint diminishes God.  He already knew the answer to that question; He didn’t have to ask it.  I also think it diminishes our potential as we seek to live the life of Christ.  The second reply brings the notion that maybe the purpose of this experience was to reveal to Abraham his own willingness to go with God no matter where it took him, no matter the events or circumstances around him.    

What can we gain from learning our own limits to the cost of following Christ?  Can we find security in learning and knowing how much we love God, in addition to how much He loves us in times of trial?  I know these questions don’t have answers in black and white.  Each tragedy carries its own purpose.    

People are hurting and I am sad and I am angry and I don’t understand the purpose of it all.  I don’t like it and I don’t understand why life is or has to be this way.  I don’t know what I think it should be like.  But, after all of that, I am OK.  If I must choose between anger and bitterness or growth and healing, I am still compelled to trust God.  Not that it’s without questions…

Morgan passed away at 4:14 a.m. January 29.  She was 24.   May God be with her loved ones as they grieve.