My Conviction

If you're wondering what to give back this Thanksgiving...may I share my own conviction? My conviction is to give Grace. The kind of Grace that is beyond my own ability. Grace I don't want to give. Grace that relies on strength, courage, love, understanding beyond my capabilities; but not beyond His availablity to me. In my experience, it seems only to come from an earnest, desperate search to find understanding. Luke 11:1-13. It's a Grace that learns to admit my shortcomings, failures and weaknesses so that I may find the needed courage to pass on the grace I'm given. It requires courage because I don't want to give it. It takes a risk to give more than I feel I'm capable of giving. It requires setting aside "my rights", the ones I feel I'm entitled to, so I can give the grace and understanding to others that I so desperately desire for myself. (I desire this Grace from others, but in Truth, it's something I already possess.) I suppose it seems obvious, the "Golden Rule", but I'm finding I'm required to give grace even from those places I've kept to myself. The places that were untouchable to others, places I claimed as "my territory", my rights. It's easy to give what I want to give, what feels safe to give, to give when I'm not in need, to give when my cup is already overflowing. It's much harder to give when I am scared, angry, or my cup is empty. It's in these times and in these places that I don't want to give. It's mine, not yours; it's my time, not yours; it's my turn, not yours. Please understand, this is not a grace given because I force myself to give it. This grace begins when I am genuine, not disciplined. The strength to give this grace comes only when I am raw, honest, naked before my God. It comes when I am ready to give my anger, my rage, my rights to Him. It comes after pleading and earnestly seeking the Truth. A willingness to obey and let go NO MATTER THE COST. Trusting the risk is worth it; it's worth it to give up the doubts, fears, struggles, chains. Trusting that the person I want to become, the one I will become, will catch me if I fall.

It frightens me to even type these thoughts.